Someone send me one of those ’30 lessons of life’ things that seem to form the bulk of Facebook these days (thanks Mum!). This one I dutifully read (very long conference call), hoping that somewhere I’d find inspiration to charge up my DOA dating life/ financial situation/hairstyle.
(on the plus side, my cycling has never been better. #17. It’s all about balance)
#6 struck a chord for me. Simple, requiring little effort and hey..the last time I heard this, it came accompanied by a book called ‘The Secret’
“#6. Most people never ask for what they want. A lot of good happens if you ask for what you want. First of all, you’ll be forced to define what you want. Second, you’ll be forced to think about how you might get it. The third step, is the easiest and the least utilized. Just ask.”
Whoa nanny. It’s that easy?
Hells bells, I really have been over thinking things. I thought you actually had to define what you wanted, figure out how to get it, take actionable steps to move towards a goal, stick to it when things weren’t going to plan, avoid that 30% off coupon for REI, go on a lot of awful 1st dates, stuck it up, drink a lot of wine and maybe.. just maybe, you’d get 65% of what you were hoping for. And some interesting blog posts.
But no. I should have ‘just asked’. So here goes.
My Asks. (please- because politeness costs nothing)
1. I would like this years Tour De France winner be something other than a complete jackass. I don’t care if he’s flying on cocktail of EPO, HGH, steroids, meth, Lance Armstrongs blood and Redbull, but I would like him to race well and deserve the award. Oh and if he could actually retain the title without being stripped of it by December … even better. Doesn’t have to be a god or cure cancer. Just race and win.. and retain the title.
2. I would like my neighbor to stop having sex so loudly on the weekends that it makes me want to kill myself. I am thrilled that she’s having a good time (as I’m sure her boyfriend is), but I don’t think its necessary that all of us need to monitor her progress for the duration of the incursion. It’s lovely that God enters into her sex life, and that she’s so communicative throughout the exercise, but I do think she could monitor her amplitude a little, and perhaps lay off the really loud screams of ‘Yes! YES! YES!’ until point of completion. I’m sure her boyfriend would also appreciate this since it’s probably really hard to judge whether she’s near, far or faking based on the consistent volume of yelling and screaming for 22 minutes. It would also avoid another embarrassing 9-1-1 call and me wondering if it would be too weird to watch next time.
3. I would like someone to tell me what to cook for dinner. I am a single woman who’s been cooking dinner since she was 13. Its been 29 years. I’m out of ideas for things to do with chicken and when I cook fish it smells like cat food. I am currently resorting to a diet of fava beans because they don’t smell like anything but my yoga class is complaining so I need to do something. And no, don’t suggest looking up stuff on the internet… that involves effort which is ENTIRELY the problem with cooking for yourself. I want it to be effortless, mindless and easy. Which basically is fava beans.
4. I would like to ask for a real conversation with a single, eligible man. I enjoy meeting new people, I really do, but when conversation is completely one-sided, it’s actually called a ‘monologue’. While this is very useful for receiving a lot of information very quickly about you, it doesn’t actually help you learn anything about me. And while you, as my date, might not think this pertinent to your desired intention to ‘get my knickers off’, believe me.. it is. Conversation is ‘the informal exchange of ideas by spoken words’. Text messaging is also not a conversation.
5. I would like someone to carry my groceries from my shitty parking spot up three flights of stairs and then disappear. I know I drink a lot of milk for a chick, and that 6 bottle pack of mineral water weighs 15lbs but I’ve been told if I ask, the world will provide. We don’t even need to talk..in fact its preferable. So Friday around 6pm ok?
6. I would like my hair to look good the day after it gets cut. My hair cut looks great when I leave the salon. It really does. I fork over my salary, a beaming smile and slide out of there with the confidence of Miley Cyrus in a thong. I know I look GUD. At which point my hair morphs into ‘mom hair’ for about … um… 6 weeks. During this period my hair has ranged from an Elvis quiff, to a center part, a wiry brush and has grown horns from several directions. It has not, however, ever returned to the style in which it was cut. Right up until the day before its due to be cut again. At which point it gives me the ultimate teaser by looking EXACTLY how it should look, giving me approximately 24 hours of ‘good hair’ until the cycle kicks off again. I would simply like my hair to look like it should for a few weeks. That is all.
7. I would like not to get any older. I know, I know. This one might be a bit of a stretch, but hey, ‘Just Ask’. It’s just I’m really enjoying 42 and it seems to be one of the best years to date (though 27 and 31 were pretty awesome too), and that’s even after 4 horrid dates so far and a personal financial apocalypse. I seem to have found the magic ingredient for energy (fave beans and 9 hours of sleep), my face doesn’t seem to have collapsed too much, I’m really enjoying new friends and I’m actually excited to see my family in November. I know right? This time doesn’t come around very often, so I’d really like to ‘stick’ please. I’ve still not finished apologizing to people for my 20s and 30s yet, and one only has so much time. I don’t want to be younger – you can keep that expectation tightrope – but please don’t make me any older. You can catch me up in a big jump in a few years if you must, just make sure its dark and any dudes who might be around are sedated.
8. I’d like world peace. Well it can’t all be about me can it? Oh, and all of the animals to not be treated cruelly, especially elephants, dogs and horses. And if we could stop blasting the whales with sonar that would be cool. And I guess if kids in shitty situations could be rescued somehow, along with their animals.. that would an ask worth asking. Oh, and finally, if Dick Cheney could accidentally shoot George W. Bush during a hunting expedition, and then trip over and break his neck.. that wouldn’t be too tragic. I’m sure Laura would recover.
9. I’d like men to start having babies. Hey, if we’ve got #8, I’m going to stretch for #9. I think a few months of period cramps, miscarriages and then a full term pregnancy might help change some minds about women’s rights to reproductive health decisions. It might result in some changes in the workplace to really support anyone who wants a career and a family, plus it would be nice to have equality in that whole ‘post 40’ body thing. I can’t see guys wearing those stretch marks any better than the ladies, and there would probably be a whole lot less ‘trading up’ going on amongst the Donald Trump set.
10. I’d like to not have to read any more lists like this. C’mon people. If we spend as much time reading and trying to act on all those ’20 things to drive him wild’, ’10 things to ensure a fulfilled life’ or ’50 things you must do before 40′, we have a lot more time to go outside and do something else instead. And I mean anything. Do a handstand, walk the dog, talk to the nice lady in Whole Foods who isn’t wearing a wedding ring who has a very large arm tattoo and a cute accent… you know.. anything…