Ladies.. ladies ah where to begin? Its summer time, you’ve not shaved your legs in a month and your skin in the color of non fat milk. You’re ass has slipped down the back of your legs into two nice saddle bags and you’re catching rain in your muffin top. Bikini time? Or time to throw 90% of the food stuffs away and nibble on some kale until August.
This isn’t going to be a treatise on dressing to suit your shape, or disguising your flaws, dropping 5 lbs or advice about cover ups. Nope. This is about looking sexy on the beach. And no, not sexy for a guy, or a girl, but sexy for you. Because feeling good, feeling confident and actually being able to breathe out while reclining in the sun are all related.
Oh dear… you really haven’t a clue. Sit down and read on before you start that Kale and Grapefruit diet. Everyone can look great on a beach.. skinny, flat chested, cellulite ridden, chunky, round, pear-shaped and yes, even shaped like a potato. There’s something out there for everyone and damn girl.. you’re gonna look sexy!
1. The Triangle
Lets start here shall we? The erstwhile basic triangle black bikini. If this is your go to and you can find a suit that makes you think ‘not bad’ when you look in the mirror then FUCK OFF. You don’t need this guide. You’d clearly look good in two napkins and a strategically placed hotdog.
If the triangle fits you, holds your boobs above your navel and doesn’t cause you to immediately starve yourself, then go Google ‘what to do when you have a great body’ and have at it.
The rest of us ladies… time to move on. The Triangle is popular and available in every single damn store, NOT because it fits us or looks good on most people, but because its easy to make and its cheap to manufacture (minimal snaps, underwires, fabric or adornments). Our bras don’t look like triangles, so why think that triangles are going to work out in public? insanity. So instead of asking yourself ‘why can’t I find anything that fits?’ ask yourself why that store hates women’s bodies and move along…The Triangle. For girls under 15 and women with the metabolism of a lemur.
2. The Underwire
Got some junk in the trunk and blessed up top? Instead of trying to hide your curves under a veil of fabric of ‘strategic ruching’, go with an underwired top and some big ol’ panties. Boost those boobs up and out, and cover your ‘ass’ets (no one needs to see your shaving rash). It doesn’t mean you have to look like that old lady at the pool or a prude. Underwired bikinis keep the girls under control, can give you awesome cleavage and you don’t have feel like you’re giving a free peep-show. Bigger bottoms provide coverage and comfort (no-one looks good snagging a thong out of their ass crack), while highlighting the round curves that God gave you. Not sexy? Think Bridget Jones in her bunny girl outfit and gi-normous panties… sexy as hell.
As a side note, underwire’s used to be ‘the’ bikini standard back in the 50s and 60s because they showcase the ladies, and goddamn, they’re hot. Like pencil skirts and stiletto heels, they’re back ladies… so prop those babies up and out.
3. The Underwire Plus
‘But what if you’re not a size 6 or 8?’ I hear you whine. Bingo.. the Underwire Plus. Tell me the chick on the left doesn’t look sexy and I’ll question your ophthalmologists diploma.
Underwired bikinis come in every size.. and I mean every. Pair it with some high-rise shorts with some strong Lycra and -bam- hot chica. Suddenly you’re Jessica Rabbit.
Compare this option to the usual recommendation for larger ladies..the strategic ‘sheet of despair’.. aka the empire waisted tankini..
Now tell me. Which lady would you rather be? Guys – which chick is more sexy?
I rest my case.
4. The Tankini
Ladies.. ladies. I know that for many of you this is the ‘go to’ option for swimwear. It kind of covers up the lumps and bumps in the stomach area, and hell, you think you’re too old for a bikini. Maybe you think this is the best option since you just had a baby and no one needs to see your stretch marks, and you’re not willing to give up and buy a Speedo swimsuit just yet. Maybe you’ve got a bit of a pooch, some extra muffin in the hip area or just a few rolls you’d rather not share. The tankini hides a multitude of sins…
Tankini’s are the biggest hoax that women have bought into since high-waisted jeans. And yes, like high-waisted jeans they only look good on skinny women. You can look find great looking tanks all over the place but notice the size of the women modeling these items? They’re all ‘Triangle’ girls… those who’d look good wearing literally anything. Add in some actual curves, some actual lumps and bumps and you wind up with this…
See? Sausage casing city. Your body is suddenly a solid square block of fabric.
But the swimwear industry isn’t stupid, they know that no one wants to look like a potato, so they came up with a solution for actual real live women with curves…More ‘tank’ to hide those imperfections…
So suddenly we’ve gone from a cute ‘sporty’ look on our size 2 model, to what amounts to a dress for anyone over size 8 and what resembles a wedding cake for anyone in the double digits? What’s worse is that layers of fabric, once wet, just add additional lumps and bumps to an already curvy body and suddenly you’re Christmas tree.
Tankini’s.. Stay away. The myth of a ‘slimline tank’ doesn’t exist.. no matter if you’re a 6, 8 or 20.. anyone without the requisite toned stomach and slim legs winds up looking like a Russian cross dresser or something left in the lot on December 26th.
5. The Sexy Swimsuit
I know, I know.. a swimsuit means bye-bye to a tanned stomach, but hey, that’s what spray on is for, and aren’t we all meant to be wearing Factor 100 anyway?
For looking hot on the beach – perfect or imperfect body – you can’t beat a great suit.
Boobalicious? Focus all the attention upstairs with a low cut top.
Not blessed in that department, look for waist details or high cut legs that draw attention downstairs. Men tend to love the whole house, and as long as you’re not rocking your grandma’s baggy Speedo.. its hard to go wrong in a suit no matter your size. No waist? Find something with color blocking that creates a ‘waist illusion’. Ass that refuses to be contained by skimpy briefs? Go big or go home. Tell me this isn’t better than embracing a mu mu?
6. The Retro look.
Who doesn’t think those old photos of Marilyn on the beach were sexy? 50s and 60s style suits embrace curves, create them where they’d don’t exist and sure, they’re modest, but day-am, they’re hot.
Typically suits come lower, perfect for chicks with thighs or cellulite (um.. isn’t that everyone?), and since the tops are generally halter, everyone suddenly has boobs.. no matter your size.
And retro isn’t limited to just suits, bikinis can be equally modest yet sexy, plus no-one is ignoring this suit;
Grandma she ain’t. On the downside, you need to wear this look with confidence or you might be recruited to join the local chorus of HMS Pinafore, but you’ll look hot doing it and no one can see your stretch marks. Breath in and out, eat a muffin, a slice of pizza.. no matter. No one is going to be focusing on your stomach when you’re wearing retro. They’ll be too busy wondering why you look better than they do.
6. The Eye Popper
So maybe standing out is your thing and the suits your finding just aren’t singing to your sense of transparency and desire to be noticed. The suits you’ve seen … well they’re just so BIG. If this is you, the Eye Popper is for you.
We can’t vouch for the strap marks on your tan except to say they’ll be small and plentiful, and for gods sake, remember to sunscreen under your boobs or you’ll wind up with heinous sun burn.
This might not be the suit for – well any activity other than lying motionless in a Hollywood producers backyard but if you’re worried about your varicose veins, trust me, no one is looking at them.
NOTE: Stockings and leg warmers optional, though recommended for those in the UK or Canada.
7. The Why Bother
For the ultimate tan, and maximum conversation in your immediate vicinity, we highly recommend the ‘Why Bother’ suit. No top, just bottoms. One size fits all and its reversible.
Of course you will need to become intimately familiar with your local waxer, and potentially invest in labial surgery, but hey.. in pursuit of the perfect tan, whats a few $$$$$?
8. The Nigella
All this talk about stomachs and boobs, cellulite and butts making you sweat? Can’t bear the thought of baring any of it? Consider the Nigella. A full body suit, SPF 1000. Suitable for Mormons, Amish, LDS and anyone who’s just downright given up.. the Nigella is a perfect way to enjoy your local pool or beach with minimum exposure and maximum impact.
NOTE: This suit also comes in pink so you can distinguish yourself any men who might have invested in the male equivalent.
Oh wait.. there IS no male equivalent.
So ladies, as you start to plan out your vacation wear and are blanching at the notion of yet another tank suit, tankini or strategically placed sarong, let me remind you that every woman… EVERY woman can look fabulous in swimwear.
Yes, even you.