This story starts with tea. English Breakfast to be specific but I’ll take Irish, Earl Grey and Darjeeling if that’s whats available. Because I drink a lot of tea.. and by a lot I mean boxes. My current record is 160 decaf cups and 80 caffeinated cups in one month. Which totals ~8 cups a day, a number that still seems sorta low based on the average work day. But still, it’s a lot of tea.
And tea stains your teeth badly. Ever wondered why British people over the age of 35 start to resemble smokers, and in late life Austin Powers… tea. That and no fluoride in the water. But mainly its the tea. Years up years of tea.
Since I moved to the US and benefited from an aggressive dentist, diligent upkeep and the odd surgery or two, I’ve managed to keep the tea patina on my teeth to a minimum. But when applying a new lip gloss in full sunlight I noticed my pegs starting to look remarkable ‘tinted’. Time to follow my new US brethren to the land of bleach.
Americas love bleach. In their hair, in their water, on their butt holes… it’s a country and that likes things clean and sparkling white. So trays in hand I headed home to restore my mouth to a positively virginal state. No big deal.
Except no-one tells you that you have to wear these things for AGES. The package said 2-3 hours, but after 25 minutes my saliva had dried up to a crust and I desperately needed a drink. So I pulled off a tray and wiped away the gunk to see how it was doing…. nothing. No change whatsoever. Fucker.
Back in with the trays.
After an hour passed I got thirsty. Since my mouth was full of bleach and plastic, and the package mentioned ‘only white liquids or foods for 24 hours after bleaching’.. so milky tea then.
I make a cup of the worlds weakest tea, and then realized the tea would simply swish away the bleaching gunk. So a straw then?
What single woman over the age of 7 owns a straw?
After rifling through my cupboards I figured I had two options
- Drip the tea onto my tongue using an eye dropper
- Try licking up the tea like a cat.
- Dribbling the tea down my throat using a tea-spoon by laying my head backwards and aiming between the trays.
Lets just say I found a way to get the tea into my mouth.
The burns will heal in a few more days and they do take your eyes off my slightly yellow teeth.