Important Note: I do not, nor have ever, believed in fate, fairies, predictions or any type of woo woo. But I do enjoy a laugh.
Sitting in front of a waif of about 12, once I stopped dry heaving at the price, she solemnly told me to pick 33 cards from her tarot deck.
’10 for the past, 10 for the present, 10 for ‘the future’ and 3 for ‘lord knows what I sorta tuned out’.
Now I understood how the 45 minutes was going to be spent. Card selection.
Cut to the chase.. first the past (cue woooooo music)
- Apparently I have a divorce in my past (no ring and I don’t look like roadkill, so not a stretch out of the gate).
- I have a sad aura from this divorce (does anyone go through divorce happy? Hmm.. maybe Donald Trumps former wives?)
- My ex “didn’t get me” (actually he got me more than most)
- I am sad (hey lady, 8 years have passed, I’m sorta over it?)
Which was kind of it. Nothing else has apparently happened to me in 43 years. Moving to the US, traveling, achieving stuff, meeting people, some crazy medical stuff, a lot of online dating, adventure??). Nope. Apparently my entire past is a divorce.
Girl needs to rethink her approach. At least mention 1 other thing?
Next the present (more woo music).
- There is no love in my life (geez lady, not even my dog??)
- There won’t be love in my life for 2 more years (really? I’m mean REALLY???? You have got to be fucking kidding me. I’m not believing that on behalf of being human)
- I am on a 7 year cycle (she didn’t mention periods or bikes so I’m guessing she means something else). She said I have 2 more years to go.. so maybe it was something about menopause??
- My present is all about my work. (No shit lady. We’re in Silicon Valley chickadee. No-one is paying $3K in rent for the culture. They don’t even have good Mexican food here)
- I need to figure out my work (my boss would agree)
- I need to be happy (but apparently it doesn’t involve orgasms based on the earlier prediction)
- I have work to do (no kidding, does anyone NOT have work to do? even my dog has shit to do)
- It isn’t about the money (try telling my bank)
At this point I’m considering slapping her for bringing me down. Just on the basis of return visits, shouldn’t she be throwing in some ‘you will meet a tall dark stranger” or “you have much wealth in your friendships”??? Isn’t this meant to be fun? This just sounds like a very depressed picture of the saddest person in the world. Pass the steak knives.
Moving onto the future (she must have seen my murderous looks)
- I don’t belong in America (Fuck off lady, I’m a citizen, you xenophobe).
- I don’t fit in America (seriously.. does she expect to get PAID???)
- I will meet a man in Australia who is my soul mate (??????)
Sorry but I have to pause here.
- Never been to Australia
- Not on my top 10 list of places I need to go in the next 10 years
- That’s it? One guy in the whole world for me and he’s in Australia???
The douche bag can get on a flight cos I’m not going anywhere.
- Oh and did I mention, he’s married with two kids right now??? (how does this chick stay in business???)
- But I will meet him in August? (doh?)
Hang on. So I’ve got no love in my life for the next 2 years but I’m meeting my soul mate in August?? How does that work? I meet him and ignore him for a year? It takes a year for me to destroy his marriage? He meets me and I’m so amazing that he divorces his wife and then asks me out in 2017 and we move to Australia?
Oh fuck NO. (to any Aussie readers, I love your humor, your complete dearth of political correctness and in general, every one of you that I’ve met is a delight. But I don’t break up marriages and I’m not moving to Australia so sorry).
- I will give birth to a son. He will be a miracle baby.
At this point I do start to smile.
Not as she might think, at my joy of a baby in my future, but at the sheer implausibility of that fact.
- I’m 43 and I’m not getting with “Mr.SoulMate” until I’m 45. I think by 45 my uterus will resemble Utah. i.e. nothing grows there.
- I’m unable to have kids. Literally. A fact.
- I’m terrified and slightly horrified by babies (they’re basically shitting machines that can break if you drop them. Terrifying)
Well I did this for fun and finally she made me smile so I headed home.
Just to see, I pulled out a deck of cards and pulled three cards for my past, present and future.
- Past: Queen of Clubs. I was really into hitting the nightclub scene right up to my 30s. I ruled the dance-floor. I was the Queen of the Clubs. TOTALLY TRUE!!! AMAZEBALLS!!!
- Present: Six of Diamonds: I have 6 diamonds in my life. CRAYCRAY!! My old wedding ring had 2, my necklace has 3 and I have a diamond tipped drill bit!!! HOLY COW!
- Future: The Joker. I will stop taking everything so seriously and remember how to have fun, especially when confronted by a 12 year fairy queen with a hatred for Brits.
You know, I think there might be something in this card reading thing.