From the company that bought you the phone that can give you directions, the watch that can program your tv and glasses that frankly we’re still laughing at, we’re proud to announce the very latest in technology driven accessories for the time crunched yuppie. Our goal is to provide you with the best ergonomic, automatically obsolete crap you don’t need, but soon won’t be able to live without and we’re delighted with these latest additions to our range of overpriced must haves, for the person who already has more shit than they need.
1. The iKnow
No longer will you need to guess whether you can get another day out of those dress pants, subtly try to sniff your own armpits or spray your feet with perfume in the hope of disguising that 90 degree foot funk. Introducing ‘iKnow’, the world first aroma detector. Powered by insanely complicated technology that you don’t need to understand, the iKnow provides you with the security and comfort of confirmation that ‘no.. you don’t smell bad’. The iKnow comes in black, white and nude to coordinate with your outfit, and can be worn discreetly around your wrist or neck. The iKnow buzzes gently when your aroma slips into ‘slight pong’ territory, with vibration frequency increasing as your personal stench expands past ‘bit whiffy’ into the ‘who died?’ arena. Should your hygiene slip into ‘what-the-fuck’ territory, the iKnow will automatically ignite all clothing and douse your flaming corpse in Calvin Klein One. Only $5,999.99.
2. The iShower
Since hygiene does play an important role in the ongoing health of our species, here at iCrap, we’ve found ways to really improve your productivity while going about that tedious task of washing yourself. The iShower, (available in both High Powered American and Dribbly European versions), not only washes, soaps, rinses and waxes you without any manual intervention, its host of features ensures that ‘your day doesn’t delay while you’re waiting for the suds to disperse. Equipped with voice activated internet capability, the iShower can fulfill all of the functions previously found on your iPhone, iTV and iMac (rendering them defunct), but through our new relationship with Whole Foods, can deliver breakfast via your nearest shopping drone. NOTE: iCrap cannot be held responsible for any burning or scarring that may occur as a result of drone inaccuracy. Version 1.1.3 will correct for any accidental toilet deliveries. Starts at $199,999.99 (dependent on model)
3. The iShoe
Here at iCrap, we take your time very seriously. After all, we were the company that enabled you to watch TV, text and check email at the same time. But we know you need more time back in your day. Take that time you could be spending checking Facebook instead of walking down the stairs? How about that long walk back to your car when you could be swiping hotties on Tinder? Well welcome those precious minutes back into your day world.. introducing the iShoe. Simply slide into a pair of iShoes (sold separately), and you’ll no longer have to endure the tedium of moving your feet, looking up from your media to avoid hitting people or watching for steps and potholes. Through its use of small jets implanted in their soles, the iShoe propels you about your day, automatically correcting direction, trajectory and height when facing obstacles, uneven pavement, steps or people in your path. Don’t worry about slipping off that curb or bumping into someone while you’re busy posting to Instagram, just slip on, stand up and let your iShoes take care of getting you where you need to go without interrupting your precious Amazon time. Comes in black, tan, navy and red (as worn by Bono).
Here at iCrap, we’re passionate about designing stuff you don’t need that takes up more of your day that you ever imagined and which you now can’t live without. With the iKnow, iShower and iShoe, we hope we’ve brought a sense of anxiety, frustration and laziness back into your empty vapid lives. You’re welcome.