I’ve never been much of a ‘royal watcher’, despite my background and some 26 years in the UK. After all, when part of your paycheck goes to support people you don’t really know, are unlikely to ever meet, and you’re housing, clothing, feeding and paying for their first class transportation.. well its a bit weird to be super enthusiastic. And while many Yanks seem to just lurve Kate and baby George, I can’t see the whole monarchy set up working in ‘Merica, no matter how pretty her hair (and yes, I’m paying for that hair).
What is the purpose of royalty these days anyway? From the much hyped coverage of William and Kate’s trip to Australia and New Zealand, the main objective of the role seems to be look at stuff really enthusiastically, shake hands and receive gifts.
I want that job.
I know, I know.. living your life with detailed scrutiny of your every move, every dress you wear, the thinning of your hair, the commenting on -quelle horrors- wearing the same dress twice. Yes. I’m sure its tough. I’m sure every movie star can empathize. Factor in the need to produce progeny, walk behind your husband at every public event and maintain an oral hygiene practice the envy of any dentist.. yes, I can’t deny they do work for it. But honestly?
Throw in a couple of castles, vacations to remote tropical locations every few months, never having to wonder if you could get a cheaper bundle from Xfinity.. I think I could suck up the low hem lines and silly hats.
But looking past the travel, the clothes, the real estate, the lack of actual skills required, the automatic promotion opportunities (lets ignore Charles for now), I did have a few worries.
Namely.. what do they do with all the stuff?
I mean, I know they have castles and apartments out the wazoo, but in the last 2 weeks they’ve received (to our knowledge)
- A kids power boat
- A ginormous furry toy bilby
- A wooden spear
- A surfboard
- A kids book ‘ Ten Little Fingers and Ten Little Toes‘
- Another kids book called Hairy Maclary
- A $2,690 bottle of wine
- A series of dot paintings made from wallaby feces
- New Zealand cricket shirts and monogrammed bat
- A giant blue teddy bear
- A miniature bike with personalised lycra top and helmet
- A kangaroo backpack
- Australian Ugg boots, a hand-knitted sweater and hat
- A pilots cap from the Royal Australian Airforce
Oh.. and they’re not done with the visit yet.
Hmmm. Its one thing to point and look interested at things, wear dresses and wander around shaking hands, but dealing with all of the crap people are offloading onto you? And this just the official shit! In my head their house is starting to look like a outtake from a well-travelled person on the show ‘Hoarders’. I mean, regular parents deal with enough kid shit to challenge even a normal 3 bedroom house.. can you imagine after a years worth of trips to the ‘Commonwealth’?
“Honey, step over that didgeridoo and fetch me the carving of Uluru will you? No, not the lump of mined ore from Alice Springs.. the rock carving? Next to the unprocessed diamond from South Africa. By the figurine of a Great White shark.
Are you blind? Its over there. In between the stuffed moose and Mountie uniform from Canada. Just push that set of bagpipes to one side. I know, I know.. yes, your dad does have set, as does granny.. but you never know, maybe George will want them. Mind the stuffed goat from the Falklands.. its super fragile and yes, I know it whiffs a bit, but maybe we can regift it to granny and she won’t notice.
That? Don’t you remember? that’s the rams horn we got from Papua New Guinea that was meant to guarantee us twins and eternal life. Yes, I know I’m using it as a coat hook but what else was I meant to do with it? There’s only so much room by the fireplace and to be honest, that life sized kangeroo footstool and gum tree carved nesting tables just take over the room. ‘
Suddenly that royalty thing looks a lot less like a freeloading travel whoredom and a lot more like an exercise in long term storage unit management.