I was actually just adjusting my underwear

realitySome of you may have recently seen or heard that real life Tracey Flick (aka Anne Hathaway), almost drowned when swimming in Hawaii. There were pictures of her waving from the sea, head dunked under the waves, and then finally her return to shore and collapsing on the sand. The media speculated that Anne had been caught out by the notorious undertow (something like the Notorious B.I.G but less dead), had been struggling to not drown.

She almost drowned people!

Except, non of this actually happened. According to Ann, she was ‘playing at Titantic’. (girl needs to get a life, no?)

Its amazing how the media interprets images and creates a whole novella around their notion of what is going on. So with this in mind, I wanted to lay to rest a few things you may have been led to believe about me in the past few months via the social media (aka my Facebook page) and even actual interactions.

1.When I was standing in line for my muscle relaxants yesterday wearing sweatpants and Christmas socks, clogs and a down jacket (despite the 63 degrees of heat), bent over like an 80 yr old sciatica sufferer, I was not ‘having a bad day’ or ‘in too much pain to give a shit’.

I was actually researching a role for an upcoming book I’m writing that focuses on the lives of the homeless. I wasn’t sporting unbrushed hair and blotchy skin due to a lack of concern about my appearance, it was to help me gain artistic integrity and authenticity for my personal narrative. My general grumpy demeanor and weird ensemble was intended to mirror that of your average homeless person in order to observe the reactions of those around me. Which, true to form, resulted in most everyone not meeting my eye and one lady taking a step back from me at the checkout line. Coming to a Barnes and Noble near you in 2015!

2. It may appear to several readers that I have been unable to find a suitable romantic partner despite dating furiously for the last several years. This has not been the inevitable outcome of ‘poor decision making’ or ‘low self esteem’ coupled with ‘proliferation of weird men in the online dating community’ and ‘low standards’, but actually something completely different.

My romantic status has actually been a real time meta play that lasts for 432 scenes. My ‘life’ play considers the role of friendships vs. romantic partners in society, the characteristics expected from women vs. actual female traits, and the impact of the declining male role in the female psyche as a backlash symptom following the publication of Susan Faludis’s ‘Backlash’ in 1991. It explores the genesis of failure, the impact of repeated rejection on future tenure and emotional intelligence.

3. The recent increase in girth and slothlike energy levels I have been exhibiting lately is not due to post-holiday blues and overindulgence. It is not due to a lack of self control when receiving a holiday food parcel from the UK, or an decrease in physical activity due to a attitude of ‘who gives a shit’ or ‘no-one is looking at me naked any time soon’. It certainly is not due to the existential sadness of reaching mid life, a slowing metabolism or my eating my fears about my upcoming performance review.

Dear readers, I am delighted to inform you that I am actually pregnant with a phantom baby. Mainly composed of gas, chocolate and the side effects of celiac disease, my phantom baby has reached the 12 week period, and obviously is started to show. While my gastroenterologist has sternly told me to ‘just cut back on the beans and broccoli’, and ‘double check the labels for gluten’,  I find myself unable to deny my phantom baby what it desires. While I’m not sure of what sex it will be, I just want it to be healthy. So please, send more chocolate and vodka martinis since my cravings are just out of control. Baby shower in July girls!

4. You may have taken offense at the frequency with which I’ve been declining your invitations and ignoring your calls, and have interpreted this as me ‘being a bitch’ or ‘totally antisocial’. That I cancelled our activity last minute via text, or that I had to rescheduled 3 times as indication that I’m ‘totally disorganized’ ‘unreliable’ or even ‘a pain in the ass’.

I want to assure you that you’ve actually been enrolled in a stealth new social media vehicle that I will be launching shortly called ‘DoNothing’. While you might have complained to your partner that ‘that bitch just cancelled again‘ or thought ‘why do I bother?’, you’ve actually been successful participants in the beta testing of ‘DoNothing’. ‘DoNothing’ is the anti Facebook, the reverse Meetup and the category slayer of ‘leaving a phone message’. By enabling the person to ignore all requests for interaction, ‘DoNothing’ enables you to get on the important things in life like …. sleeping. Eating. Sitting in front of your SAD lamp. Double checking you’ve taken your Klonapan. Watching reruns of Nurse Jackie. Not leaving the house for fear of ‘cold’. ‘DoNothing’ will be IPO-ing in the fall once we’ve worked out the bugs (we’re still leaving the house on occasion), and this my friends, this is going to be BIG.

Oh, and that wriggling, squirm you saw me just do while walking the dog, wasn’t a new dance move or sign of insanity. I was actually just adjusting my underwear.

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