I’m not looking honest

men-yoga1I, like many other women, like yoga. I’ve been attending classes since 2002 when I moved to Boulder and they mandated it as part of our rental agreement (or so I assumed). I love yoga – its very calming and yet energetic, it can kick your ass and your abs without you noticing and you get really comfortable with  screaming pain discomfort on occasion.

(you try balancing on your forearms in a handstand.. there’s some “discomfort”)

However, yoga seems to be a very gender based activity. In 12 years, I’ve seen a man in a class, on average, once a month. They come in two types; hairy old man and douchebag.

Hairy old man (HOM) is typically in his 50-70s, has grey stringy hair, age spots covering 100% of his body and he’s generally the dude at the back of the class (maximum orbital access to ass). These guys laugh a lot, they can be leery on occasion, but tends to make friends with all the 50 something ladies at the back so he’s pretty harmless. The HOM can’t touch his toes yet, despite attending class for 15 years, but he doesn’t take any of it too seriously, and likes to rock his old saggy gym shorts and a baggy t shirt for every class.

Douchebag (D) is typically between 28 and 48, has a shaved head (or dreads) and goatee , has the requisite Hindu tattoos up and down his arms, legs and back and loves to take off his shirt during class. This guy is always a brunette, probably a vegan and has no compunction about wearing clam diggers and a wife beater to class. He’s usually on his way from, or off to, India/ Tibet/Cambodia/ Vietnam and  seems like the male equivalent of the manic pixie dream girl. Douchebags love doing inversions, handstands or anything where they demonstrate their shoulder strength.

There are no other men at yoga.

(Just sayin’ dudes)

Except. Except on very very rare occasions there are. Whether a girlfriend bribed them to attend, they were told to do yoga as part of injury rehab or they’re just trying new things, on occasion a new dude shows up in class.

The ladies up to this point have been fairly tuned out to our surroundings. We ignore the douchebag talking about the fabulous new brand of seitan he’s found. Ignoring the HOM laughing about his grandchildren. We’re just thankful to not be sitting in front of our computers or in a car, or in front of the tv. We’re on our mats and waiting for class to start. Most of us are gorping off into space, completely oblivious to everyone and everything. In fact, thats why we’re there.

Then you can almost hear the ears prick up as we sense something different, a strange dynamic has entered the room….but before a single one of us can turn around to see what it is, class starts and we’re all instructed to close our eyes.

Which signals the start of a 90 minute class where 20 women are all trying to simultaneously check out a new male in the class while focusing on our inner selves and holding extremely steady poses.

‘Bending at the waist into triangle’… the girl in front of me, tries to pivot her torso, so her head faces towards the ‘mystery man’.

‘Moving into crow pose’.. the chick to my left crouches into the pose, then topples over as she tries to catch a glimpse.

‘Extending into full dancer’.. I stretch my arms backwards to catch hold of my foot which is approximately level with my head, and casually look towards the stranger…as I slowly fall sideways into another chick.

Hmm.. can’t see any tattoos. Doesn’t seem to have shaved head or dreadlocks. Isn’t that old. Is just wearing regular gym attire… Hmmm… do we actually have… no.. it couldn’t be.. a straight normal guy in class!!!???

Poor things. They must feel the stares. The assessment. For some, the delight in some new eye candy. For others, a source of future obsession. But for now, he’s what every single woman in the class wants him to be.

To that chick with the matching Lulumon pants and top? He’s a consultant, single, no kids and extremely wealthy. Probably taking up yoga to keep his stress under control. Definitely dateworthy and probably could be lured by perky butt if he comes to class often enough.

To the woman who’s well into her 50s but immaculately Botoxed into her 40s’, he’s a well managed 40 something, post divorce, loves fine dining and is looking for friends with benefits with no strings attached.

For the slightly chubby chick in her twenties, he’s a 30 something guy who’s been out in the sun too much and loves everything she does. He’s a vegan, drives a Prius and works for a solar panel company.

And to the instructor, he’s a source of amusement as the women all around her swivel their heads, check out his right hand and his ass while trying to maintain some composure. Yes, they’re all emptying their minds.. sure…

Funny really, how those guys never come back to class. I wonder why?


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