Baby its cold outside

1-2-2014+10-53-10+AMIs it a bird? a plane? NO! Its a polar vortex!!

Along with 178 million fellow Americans I’ve been feeling a bit chilly these last few days. ‘Parky’ as they’d say back in the UK. A tad brisk. Raw. Fucking freezing actually.

You know its cold when your snot freezes the moment your step outside and you notice that your dog’s poop is cold by the time its exited his body and into the baggy. That my friends, is fucking cold.

Since last Saturday I’ve been wearing two pairs of pants at all times (thermals plus the biggest jeans I own to avoid the inevitable ‘overstuffed sausage’ look), at least 2 sweaters, a scarf, hat and knee length wool socks. This is my work outfit. For indoors.

Thank god I don’t have to work in an office. I don’t think security would let me through the rotating doors. Homeless chic is warm, but goddam unattractive. All I need is a blanket and a shopping cart. Maybe a dog on a string.

There are of course other ways of keeping warm in this cold snap. So if you’re still struggling to stay warm, why not abandon all sense of sanity/ protocol and try a few of the following;

1. Pour yourself a whiskey. Or seven

There’s a reason all those Scotsmen could walk around the moors in skirts (kilts) with no underpants. One word – whiskey. Whiskey doesn’t actually warm you up, but it does make you care a heck of a lot less about the cold. Plus everyone knows that whiskey is medicinal – they’re always giving it to people after a shock and when have you not been shocked stepping out of the house these last few days? Exactly. Bottoms up my friend, but maybe keep your underpants on.

2. Chemical heat packs body suits

In ski resorts these have been around for yonks and are really the only thing that makes skiing bearable for those of us with a reptilian circulation system. Simply remove from the wrapping, stick to the ‘cold’ body part and 5 minutes later, experience a pleasant warming sensation for up to 8 hours. I bought a bumper pack of  these after our first cold snap in Colorado (240 packs for $100!!!) and I’ve managed a record 8 stuck to various body parts at one time, connecting up my shoulders, boobs, stomach, thighs and feet.

Unfortunately they do tend to create little bulges under your clothing, so I’ve found the trick is to avoid anything too tight or people start questioning your steroid use/ pregnancy status/implant decisions.  Also avoid any make out sessions as you can literally burn the other person if they come in too tight for too long. On the upside, I have added a cup size or two in the question of warm boobs. What can I say… who doesn’t love warm boobs?

3. Turn on the oven

Obviously only of use when you’re in the house, your oven can really prove its worth during a cold snap.. even if the most its ever done before is heat up a roll of cookie dough. Crank that sucker up to 475 and open the door. Behold.. instant mad heat. Of course make sure that your animals can’t access the open oven (baked pussy doesn’t smell very nice). A nice bonus is that you can easily create an interior sauna by hanging wet clothing in front of the oven door. Misto creato! You can warm up, dry clothes and steam clean your pores with one quick 30 minute session!

4. Vigorous exercise

Research shows that vigorous exercise of just 20 minutes can warm you up, and maintain heat for up to 2 hours afterwards. How you get that exercise depends on how accommodating your neighbor/ partner/ craigslist “casual connection”  is…but hey, if all else fails, run up and down your stairs for a while and crank out some burpees. And no, furious masturbation does not count.

5. Build a fort

Yes, it sounds silly but why do you think tents exist? Air contained in a small space heats up faster. So what if your boss thinks you’ve finally lost your mind as you erecting your Marmot over your desk. You’ll get far less casual drop ins and here in Colorado, you can hot box the afternoon away quite nicely.

7. Practice ‘g-tummo’

As anyone who’s ever attended a yoga class will know, you can get pretty damn hot while not moving very much, just by controlling your breathing. Tibetan monks practice a rare form of meditation known as g-tummo that is said to control their inner energy, creating heat ‘from within’ (aka ‘inner fire’)  I’m not sure about how it’s actually done, but apparently it helped one Dutch guy climb Mount Kilimanjaro in 2009 wearing only shorts and sandals. Some people.. just showing off. I’d just be happy to take off my gloves indoors.

8. Phone a friend/ Get on Facebook.

According to a study at the University of Toronto, a lack of social contact can actually lead to physical consequences. In other words, giving someone the “cold shoulder” can actually make them feel colder. Apparently the more ‘included’ people felt, the warmer they physically felt. So break out that phone, post that Casual Encounter or click through Facebook my friend.. you’ll be toasty in no time. Well that’s my excuse for slutty behavior anyway.

9. If all else fails.. lose weight and be warmed by your smugness

So you can’t get warm, despite your full body suit of Heat packs, your tent fort and your breathing exercises. Why not embrace that shivery, achy in the bones feeling and know that you’re participating in one of the most effortless weight loss secrets there is. Its a well known fact that people who are cold must exert more effort and therefore calories to try to maintain their core body temperature. If you can’t create warmth, I say revel in your chilled self and feel smug at the lbs you’re losing as you slowly lose the feeling in your fingers and toes. You might turning a pale blue color, but man, you’re going to look great in that bikini.

1 thought on “Baby its cold outside”

  1. Enjoyed this. Bonus points for getting warm boobs and baked pussy into the same post.
    Minus one point for saying that Scotsmen drink whiskey. They wouldn’t touch that Irish rubbish – only whisky.

    Just sayin’. I know what a stickler you are for accurate writing.

    I do have another warming option. My one and only foray into vigorous country dancing was an attempt to stay warm at my sister’s wedding. In March. In a castle. In Northern England.

    All I will say is it keeps you warm when whisky fails.

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