In light of Kanye’s recent request ‘Everybody in New York City right now, don’t buy any Louis Vuitton until after January’ (impacted me and so many, not a jot), I’ve decided that ordering a highly specific boycott to a targeted demographic in response to not getting your desires met (the head of Louis Vuitton, Yves Carcelle, refused to meet with Yeezy the last time he was in Paris) is something we all need to consider. It might not be terribly effective, but hey, its a great way of showing someone you’re pissed.
Now I’m sure Mr. Carcelle is just quaking in his boots at the potential impact on sales as a result of this action. His company is only valued at $28.4B, so those 6 Kanye fans who can actually afford LV could threaten the 130 year old empire.
But a boycott isn’t just about saying no. A true boycott is defined as ‘withdrawal from commercial or social relations with (a country, organization, or person) as a punishment or protest’. And Kanye’s wants to punish Mr. Carcelle. Calling for this boycott is his ultimate ‘fuck you’ aimed at injuring, negatively impacting or undermining LV. After all, I’m sure Mr. Carcelle wouldn’t meet with me either, and WTF up with that?
Is it effective? Probably not. Does it send a message? Ummmmm. But hey, it beats stamping your foot, snarling down the phone at the call center rep or leaving the store in a huff. So for the remainder of the year I’m taking a leaf from Kanye’s book and boycotting the shit out of the people or organizations’s who are pissing me off.
Quake suckers, quake in the face of the power of me and my readership. All 11 of them.
1. Boycott Whole Foods in the Denver metro area indefinitely in response to their so called ‘Buy Local’ campaign. Sure WF, I’ll buy local.. right around when you do. Do you expect any sane person to pay $5.99 for a head of garlic grown 14 miles away when you’ve carefully stockpiled identical heads of garlic grown 1400 miles away in sunny Mexico for half the price? How about that organic carrot at three times the price? Hey Whole Foods.. don’t tell me what to do. You buy local. After all, I’m only buying three carrots this week and you’re buying a whole truck load. Who’s having the biggest impact here? Here’s a suggestion.. its not my 3 carrots.
2. Destroy any media pertaining to any Kardashian, ‘Real Housewife’ or anyone who’s notoriety is linked directly to a reality show. Immediately. All of it. Yes, that includes your DVR recordings. This boycott is non negotiable and if ignored will subject you, and the rest of the world to another 10 years of this ongoing onslaught of fake, talentless celebrity worship. You’re only making it worst for yourself. Every magazine, every 10 minutes of mind fuckery that is ‘Honey Boo Boo’ signals your own inanity, your lack of intelligence and your willingness to be fed a diet of sugary nothings to escape the banality that is your life. Is your life that worthless that you’re willing to spend it on millionaire dating shows and KIM KARDASHIAN?
(NOTE: This boycott excludes Top Chef, Ink Masters and Project Runway since they’re actually skilled at something. And when I last checked, making ‘getti’ sauce or shouting at your girlfriends when you’ve drunk too much isn’t a skill).
3. Every single person in Denver over the age of 40 please get off online dating sites and leave the house immediately. You’re not ‘slim’ or ‘above average’, your daily walk from parking lot to office does not count as ‘hiking’ and no matter how many times you click on her profile, she’s not responding.
Your chances of meeting someone online (who’s pictures were also taken back in 1998 and hasn’t hit the gym since the 80s) and falling in love is less likely than Edward Norton texting me for a booty call. I urge you to boycott Match, Chemistry, eHarmony and the rest now! They want you to spend your $38 a month and stay at home on a Friday night reviewing profiles and ‘winking’ at people waaaaaay out of your league. It keeps you single. Which keeps your $38 a month coming in. I urge you to turn off your subscription, say ‘screw’ it, put on your best plaid shirt and comfortably untrendy shoes and head out into the world. The world is where you actually meet people. And even better – its FREE!!! Unchain yourself from ‘fake’ online you and talk to some people whose salary and star sign aren’t etched into your brain. Lets stick it to the man who’s keeping us all sleeping in the middle of the mattress and watching Pay Per View on a Saturday night. No.More.Match.
4. And finally, to any company that sends me a catalog, I am refusing to buy anything from your store ever. I’ve never bought anything from you (The Company Store, LL Bean, Dogs and Co), I’ve no interest in any of your products (Empire Flooring, Andersen Windows, Pottery Barn), and I certainly can’t afford most of them (Tiffanys, Nieman Marcus, Stuart Weitzman). So why, oh why do you insist on sending me catalog after catalog in the hopes that one day I may, actually need a cement rock (West Elm), or a new pair of slacks (Boston Proper) or a kids party kit (Birthday Express)? I not have kids (Boden Kids, Pottery Barn Kids, Restoration Hardware Kids), I do not own a house (Design Toscano, 1 Day Blinds, Lamps Plus, Lumber Liquidators), and I certainly am not over 50, (AARP, Active Seniors, Hearing Help Express). As a result of your excessive catalog postage (I’m talking to you Althea, Orvis, TitleNine), my actual mail gets ripped, shredded and oftentimes placed in another’s mailbox (maybe someone who isn’t actually considering a new wheelchair). No, I say no. I have enough bathroom reading and I’m already hiding from my web browser’s attempts to seduce me with crap I don’t want or need. Stay AWAY.