Tis the season for parties and I’ve been known to enjoy a tipple or seven. As my tastes have matured, so have my hangovers. I used to be able to bounce back after ‘it all went Pete Tong’ and still make to work by 8.. these days, a night out means 2 subsequent days in. Age.. doncha’ love it?
Anything more than a single solitary glass of expensive wine now results in my head exploding into soggy shards of glass, my stomach rejecting anything heavier than water, and I’m not mentioning what happens to other functions except to say the bathroom is my dear close friend for 24 hours. I am no longer someone who can claim to hold their alcohol, though I can hold my martinis upright even as I crash to the floor. Usually around #3.
I’ve tried not drinking, not drinking as much, drinking liquor instead of wine, GF beer instead of liquor and even ventured into cider in the hopes of lessening the ‘morning after’ experience that renders me incapable of much more than sweating on the bathroom floor. And after extensive research, I’m going to clue you in to the tried and tested hang over cures that actually work.
1. Don’t drink.
Yes its boring, it makes bad dates suck and stilted parties hell, but hey, it guarantees that you won’t wake up in a flop sweat and your head will be as clear as a spring morning. Absolutely no chance of waking up in a ditch, a strangers bed or still wearing your bra. Of course you’ll be wanting to do something with your hands while you’re sipping at that water, so count on consuming your body weight in nibbles. So if you’re watching your weight remember to bring along a crochet project or use your sober energy to reorganize the host’s kitchen, or your date’s finances.
2. Milk Thistle
If you’ve not heard of this gem of a herb, you’ve clearly been stuck under a rock in Utah. Milk Thistle, available in your local ..well.. anywhere, is a herb which supports liver health. You know, that body part you’re about to bombard with Firestarter? Take 2 before imbibing, 2 before you go to bed. I can’t guarantee that you won’t wake up with a slight headache, and I have no idea who that dude is in your bed, but you’re definitely going to be able to locate the coffee and drink it in the morning. Works wonders with red wine, brown liquor and vegans. (cos if you’re hanging out with vegans, you’re going to need to be drinking).
3. Electrolytes, sugar and salt
There’s truth and reason behind the Bloody Mary but since I’m not the least bit interested in the sciency stuff, just know that you need to put some stuff back into the body other than 15 pints of water. Skip the vodka if you’re going to be driving anywhere (more people get arrested for DUI the morning after than any other time), but a Virgin Mary will def hit the spot. Can’t stomach the idea of a spicy tomato drink (or like the rest of us, don’t have anything resembling this in our house) – follow the co-ed version. A can of full fat Coke, a sprinkle of salt and 2 Motrim. Wait an hour. You’ll be ready for the next step.
4. Tiger Balm your head
Everyone who ever went to college has met Tiger Balm. Revoltingly stinky, turd colored goop that didn’t really ever seem to do much? Well dab some on your head (back of the neck, behind the ears, on your temples) and that headache is gone, baby gone. Of course you’ll smell like your 86 yr old grandfather for the rest of the day, but hey, you weren’t going anywhere with that deadman’s breath anyway.
5. Take a bath, a really stinky bath
You could exercise – it has the same effect – but most of us aren’t up to jogging our hangover away, especially when our head hurts with every inhale. Instead, sweat it out in the tub. You’ve got two choices of stinkiness; mustard powder or wasabi powder. Yep.. grab that ski mask and jump into a hot tub with your favorite Dijon or a big blob of that tart green Play Doh stuff. Because of their noted ability to increase circulation and draw toxins out from the organs, mustard and wasabi are great additions to a hot bath. Once the organs are flushed, they naturally are replenished with clean and vital blood – voila! No hangover. The fumes can be intoxicating (even deadly if you overdo the mustard) so don’t inhale too deeply and if you start seeing a white light, consider yourself marinated and get out. Of course you will now stink, so give yourself a shower before you leave the house or dogs are going to start chasing you down the street.
6. Mental pudding
Your secret weapon is one you probably already are doing but I’m saying it anyway.
TBS. The station where movies go to rerun for evvvveeeerrrr.
Mean Girls. Anchorman. How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days. You’ve Got Mail. The Hangover. Old School. Wedding Crashers. Sleepless in Seattle. Every trashy, silly movie you’ve ever encountered. Its on TBS on a Saturday, especially scheduled for hungover people.
Your head can’t cope with much right now, so you need a few hours of pap to sooth you through the various stages of recovery. Relax in Matthew Mcconaughey’s ab muscles. Smile at the cuteness that is Kate Hudson of 2008. Marvel at Lindsay Lohan’s tragically innocent face from 2000. Meg Ryan’s untouched pertness. Nothing makes you feel as good as mental pudding, and on TBS, its alllll chocolate. Which leads us to the final step in your hangover cure…
7. Did I mention Milk Thistle?
Seriously kids. You cannot take too much of this stuff. Think of it as speed for your liver. Tequila for your soul. Vodka for your… hmm… actually that Bloody Mary is sounding kinda awesome right now. Be right back.