Yesterday I was catching up on the latest in world news (aka looking for news about Edward Norton’s marital status) and came across a hysterical article about frightening sex tips recommended by Cosmo. Now as every woman knows, Cosmo is written by 23 year old virgins who live alone, prefer their men in feline form and wouldn’t know a testicle if it landed in their morning oatmeal. But, man, they do have some ‘exciting’ ideas for how to ‘drive your man wild’ (wild/ running screaming).
- Shake his nuts like you’re playing Yahtzee.
- Yank his crotch hair.
- Give his wiener an Indian burn.
- Press a small pebble into his ‘taint during sex
- Firmly hold the bottom of his shaft in one hand and slowly push it towards the base. (Imagine you’re pushing his penis into his body)
- Hold his penis in one hand and lightly slap it with the other… you can tap it back and forth like you’re volleying a tennis ball and lightly pinch the skin on his shaft and testicles.
Clearly the ladies at Cosmo really don’t like men. Or their genitals. I’ve never tried any of these tips, but nor have I set a penis on fire .. but I’m guessing non are particularly pleasurable.
Since actual knowledge isn’t required when giving sex tips, today I’m reinventing myself as the latest hot sex guru. I warn you, its NSFW and I’m preeeety good at this stuff so hang onto your pants chicas and dudes! Presenting….
CSC’s Sex tips for Adventurous Lovers!
Men. Want to know how to make her crazy for your man parts? Have her begging for more? Follow this tried and tested tips that all the ladies love
1. Break out the kitchen implements
Woman love cooking and kitchen implements are a great way to get her to associate sex with the thing she loves most – feeding her man. Poke her breasts with a spatula. Mash her pubic area with a ricer. Break out the whisk on her butt and explore her armpits with a can opener. Got some aluminum foil in the cupboard, wrap it around your face and surprise her in the middle of the night. Everyone knows food and sex go hand in hand, so don’t be surprised when she’s screaming for you to break out the wooden spoon.
2. Flutter your eyelashes against every area of her body
We all know that woman are super sensitive and they love things like kittens and butterflies. Treat her to a ‘eyelash’ bath by fluttering your lashes up and down her legs, around her breasts and all over her face. She’ll be quivering with anticipation. Bonus points if you follow this up with a tongue bath, just make sure to lick her ‘paws’ and behind her ears until she’s really clean before going for the rectal area. She’ll be kitten soft in your arms.
3. Cook dinner in the nude
Women like a man who knows how to cook, and nothing beats cooking in the nude to drive her wild. Let her know exactly what’s the main course by applying a little tomato sauce around the base of your penis and sprinkling with Parmesan cheese. She’ll be hungry for your ‘Italian entree’ in no time. Bonus points if you can wrap a string of spaghetti around your balls and tie in a bow. Every lady loves a surprise gift!
4. Cool things off during sex
Keep her guessing just as things get hot by spraying her with ice cold water. Aim for the nerve-packed, thin-skinned areas like her labia and her breasts. The hot/cold contrast will help extend your encounter and, if you add some lemon juice to the mix, zest up her experience. Just keep it away from your junk fellas… that shit burns.
Next month we’ll be back with suggestions on making animal shapes with her labia and how you really can tune in her breasts if you twist them right.
Ladies? Feeling a little left out? Dying to hear how you can spice things up in the bedroom? These ideas will keep him guessing and make him crazy!
1. Remind him of what’s on offer
Men love to be reminded of sex throughout their day, and nothing will keep you in mind more than an audio track of your last love making session. Simply record your last sex session and replace it as his mobile phone ring tone. He’ll delight when he hears you scream ‘baby loves his buttplug’ during his midday meeting.
2. 3 greens a day keeps the doctor at bay
For men, its all about keeping it fresh and new, so change things up the next time you decide to go down with some veggies. Chew a piece of cauliflower or broccoli, then take him in your mouth before you swallow. He’ll be intrigued by the new feel of things and it’ll make him want to explore your mouth more. Any vegetables will do – ripe tomatoes, mushrooms or even some mashed avocado. Vegetables have never been so fun!
3. Someone’s on the phone for you!
Your man loves his phone, so slip it on vibrate the next time you’re rolling around and thrust it between his butt cheeks. You can use your phone to ‘give him a ring’ throughout sex and drive him crazy. Loudly shout ‘Can you hear me now?’ every time you dial and he’ll be ravenous for your ringtone.
4. Sexy talk
We all love a little sexy flirtation and nothing drives a man wild like some dirty talk. Next time you’re sitting down to dinner in a restaurant, lean forward and tell him something graphic like, ‘I’m going to fuck you until you bleed’ or ‘I’m going to pee all over your cat’. Men love a woman with imagination and he’ll spend the evening anticipating your next sexual adventure.
5. Give him a facial
Us ladies know that men love to treat us to a ‘facial surprise’ now and again, so return the favor the next time you really want to show him how much you love him. Just make sure to drink lots during dinner and when the moment comes, squat over his face and let your love flow. Does it get any hotter? We don’t think so!!
Next month, blood play and how to drive him wild during that special time of the month!