10 things you’re doing wrong in bed

maleteddyLast week, the Huffpo decided to take a rest from telling women the 11, 23, 14, and 26 things they should/shouldn’t be doing to attain spiritual enlightenment, a happy marriage, good hair and financial freedom, instead choosing to focus on sex.

Of which apparently, we’re only fucking up in 3 ways.

While this might go on record as the shortest list that the HuffPo has ever published in doling out obvious and sometimes hysterically random advice (my favorite, 20 things to never say to a short woman was clearly written by a tall person), it did get me thinking about what we might be doing ‘wrong’ in bed. So I asked around some of my male and female friends for their worst experiences and below are some of the actual mistakes that they’ve made or been on the receiving end of during the act of lurve.

1. Masturbating after chopping jalapenos. A great reminder to wash those hands before you get going, people. I think Johnny Cash said it best, ‘Cos it burns..burns burns… like a ring of fire’

2. Playing dead a little too well. Ladies… if you’re closing your eyes and praying for it to be over, he’s gonna notice. You don’t need to fake the entire ‘When Harry Met Sally’ deli scene, but at least try to act like you’re still alive.  No-one wants to start CPR unless you actually need it. And gentlemen.. if we’re wondering about your consciousness, you’re doing it wrong. And add in a moan or two. No-one wants to feel like they’re in church. Nothing less sexy than church.

3. Crying and mouthing ‘I love you’ during coitus. Ladies..no matter how hormonal you are, the only man who enjoys this exists in your imagination or in a book. Its creepy, weird and definitely not sexy. In fact, he’s already planning how quickly he can exit and whether he needs to change his phone number.

5. Answering the phone mid stroke. Unless you have the codes to an atomic bomb or you’re James Bond, you can wait to answer your phone. Now is not the time to learn how to multi-task.

6. Whipped cream bikini. Cream and honey looks like a sexy idea in the movies. What you don’t see is the icky aftermath where one of you is desperately trying to un-stick neither regions from a sheet, the floor, a towel or the other person. If your fantasy is making yourself into human fly paper, go for it. If not, refrain from sugar, salt or fat based condiments. After all, you don’t need your dog getting in on the action and really, if you need Cool Whip to make sex interesting, I think you’re doing it wrong.

7. Surprising her with your fetish. Its awesome to let your freak flag fly and hey, we all like a little something different, but surprising your date with your penchant for furry costumes, pies in the face, balloon popping (it exists) or wearing women’s underwear needs a little notice. As one friend confided ‘leaving a strap-on on the bed as a ‘surprise’ wasn’t the best way to introduce me to his kinks’. We can get on board with a little warning, but please don’t jump out of the closet in a diaper and expect us to ‘go with it’.

8. Blowing hard into his or her ear. Unless you’re checking for an echo or trying to melt ear wax, there is such a thing as ‘too hard’. Gentle breathing out, nibbling and licking – all good. Blowing as though there are 40 birthday candles down there.. Nope. There isn’t a prize (or cake) for rupturing her ear drum.

9. Rubbing anything so hard that skin comes off.  Its not a magic lamp. You are not trying to achieve a sheen. Twiddle, twist, pull, play with and yes, rub, but remember its attached to some nerve endings somewhere. And no, now is not time to indulge your OCD cleaning fetish and polish that shit up. Mr Sheen is never appropriate in the bedroom.

10. Getting up and leaving the moment you decouple. It might have been bad. It might have been awesome. But even if you’re 30 minutes late for your inauguration, its never acceptable to jump out of bed the moment you climax. If you do, I think you’re duty bound to leave a tip on the nightstand. And guys, take the output with you to the bathroom. Women love gifts, but not ones wrapped in latex.

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