Kia Forte.Chevy Equinox. Ford Flex (something I really don’t want my car to do). Chevy SS (only comes in brown?), Honda Vamos Hobio (are they just fucking with us?), Honda Stream (this sounds like some special kind of pee), and my personal favorite, the Madza Bongo (clearly made for the Colorado pot market). What struck me – apart from the notion that car manufacturers might be spending a little too much time on the pipe- was how meaningless these car names actually meant. Gone are the days of a Thunderbird, the Mercedes Gullwing, the Dodge Charger and the Corvette Stingray. (apparently flight and speed were big themes of the 50s). If you believe that your car says something about you, what on earth should I conclude about the driver of the Ford C-Max Energi? That they drink too much Red Bull? That they shop at GNC? That their ADD is out of control?
(And don’t give me crap about people saying they just buy a car for transportation. If they did, we’d all be driving around in Smartcars or a Kia’s).
Nope, we need some new car names. Car names that say something about who we are. Proudly let those around us exactly who they’re dealing with. And help those of us stuck in traffic more accurately assess our fellow drivers before we try to overtake, let them through or flip them off.
The Chevy Cowboy
We’re excited to welcome this new entry into the lower end of the automotive spectrum, and we think the kids are going to love this little baby. Coming in faded red or stonewashed black, the Chevy Cowboy is equipped with specific sensors that enable you to sit just 15 mm off your fellow drivers bumper at all times. Not only is the tacometer on this baby fine tuned (we know how critical rpm are), we’ve dropped the speedo from the dash since we know you Cowboys tend to sit in the outside lane at 80 mph at all times regardless of signage. For 2014, the Cowboy has also done away with that ol ‘turn signal’ concept since we know your lights are just used to flash people as you cross all 5 lines of the highway in a single move.
The Mercury Apprehensive
Not everyone one the road is in a hurry, and we at Mercury understand and empathize with you. So for our special ‘in no hurry’ drivers, this year we’re introducing a new model to our underpowered, over-sized range of sedans – the Mercury Apprehensive. Auto speed limited to 6 mph below every posted signage, you’ll have no fear of getting that ticket we all worry about and with its automatic right pull, you’ll always be inside lane bound, no matter the traffic. The Apprehensive comes with 6 rows of turn signals on each side of the car to ensure that every driver within a 6 lane, 500 meter range is aware of your intentions, and with an automatic shut off 20 minutes after use, you’ll only be alarming fellow road users for 10 or 15 miles. Safety first! The Apprehensives’ patent pending ‘4 way stop’ monitor ensure that you’ll never pull out until all other drivers have first pulled through the intersection – we like to call it our little ‘road rage insurance’. Our piece de resistance for the Apprehensive is the new ‘advance warning’ alert that notifies drivers of potential changes in stop lights. A unique sensor monitors upcoming stop light patterns and alerts you to any anticipated changes a full 60 seconds in advance. Why accelerate through an orange light when you can stop safely on a green? We totally agree.
The Mitsubishi Capricious
This hearty SUV, updated for 2014 has been re-engineered from the ground up, specifically for the individual who really doesn’t have the time or attention span to be driving. Our unique and patent pending steering system can be used with your knees, elbows or iPhone headset to facilitate more accurate make up application, GPS reprogramming and texting while driving. And no need to worry about that lane drift alerter behind you any more; the Capricious is 100% soundproofed with windows tinted to maximum legal limits. Flip or honk away fellow drivers, your Capricious owner can’t see or hear you. But its not just all about safety – we know driving should be fun! So for 2014 we’ve extended the range of coffee combinations in our ‘in car’ Starbucks franchise, added ‘in dash’ HBO cable and extended our exterior color ways to pink, taupe and floral. Hey, why shouldn’t your SUV match your purse, amaright girlfriend, or amaright?
The Lincoln Excessitude
And finally for 2014, for the driver who knows what he wants and wants everyone to know he can afford it, the Mercedes Excessitude. This sleek V12 comes with full leather and walnut interior and exterior, with platinum trimmed spinner rims and a sound system powered by Dr Dre Beats. Yes, Dr. Dre actually comes with the Excessitude and is available to spin in-car 24/7, (no requests please). The price sticker for this bad boy is diamond etched into the rear window so all fellow drivers are aware of your Excessitude and that yes, you did pay cash. To assist other drivers and passing pedestrians in developing some serious appreciation of your wheelz as you creep by, we’ve speed limited this monster to just 20mph (speed delimiter may be removed, however Dre will not spin at speeds in excess of 50mph). Think you have it all? Want to make sure everyone else knows it? The Lincoln Excessitude might be just what you’ve been waiting your whole life for. NOTE: Only 1 available. Wait list currently 423 years.