Public Health Warning: Winter Approachitis

frostIt’s early October in Colorado which means the sun is shining, the aspens are golden, Winter has just checked in online and will shortly be boarding the flight to Denver.  Estimated time of arrival for Winter is Friday afternoon unless Snow, Wind That Freezes Your Nipples Off and Fucking Terrible Drivers from Texas get held up in security screening. Damn I hope that flight gets delayed.

Our spring was about 20 hours long, and it looks like autumn is following  similar path. It started 3 weeks ago when the temperatures plummeted from 96 degrees to 54 (that was an interesting day), and I noticed the usual symptoms of ‘Winter Approachitis’.

1. You’re exhausted at the thought of anything and everything.

Its May and you’re bouncing out of bed at 6am, your ‘to do’ list is as big as a Torah scroll and you’ve got so much energy, even your dog is knackered at the sight of you. You’ve planned eleventy million things to do this summer and dammit, you’re finally going to knock out at 14-er or two, go camping, train for a half marathon and hey, maybe even wash your windows. Come September and you’d rather move house than clean a window, you can barely roll out of bed at 7am and the notion of hiking up a mountain is absurd.  Looking at your sneakers makes you yawn and you can’t even stomach the walk from the parking lot into Whole Foods. Congratulations, the first warning signs of Winter Approachitis (WA) is showing its lackluster head.

2. Leaving the house feels like a major decision

The next warning sign of WA is the amount of effort it now requires you to exert if you’re leaving the house in the evening. What seems like a great idea back in July, now suddenly seems like a huge effort that frankly, you’re not sure you can commit to. After all, there’s three new shows on Fox and you just bought new socks. Do you really need to? Will anyone really care if you don’t show up? When you find yourself automatically jumping to worse case scenarios and fantasizing about diseases you could use as an excuse not to go.. your WA is definitely ramping up.

3. You’ve broken out the jazz cds and bought a candles

All summer you’ve been searching the radio for happy songs, pop and R&B tracks that you can sing along to at the top of your voice. But suddenly you’re really annoyed by anything vaguely upbeat or ‘light’ and you start shouting at the radio when yet another Rhianna track comes on. Suddenly you want jazz, blues or ‘deeply depressing nod-a-long music’. Something with soul and substance. Next thing you know you’re in the grocery store  standing in front of a candle display and pondering the latest Sinatra compilation at the checkout. Be warned: Telling people that you want to ‘curl up on a sofa with a glass of red wine’ is only a small step away and Winter Approachitis can generate a generic platitude faster than you’re aware. Stay vigilant people.

4. Your dog seems to have snorted Ritalin

Your dog has spent the last 4 months panting and sweating his way through the summer; ambling slowly at the end of the leash with a tongue that threatens to wash the floor as he drags his hot and tired self around the block. He spends the days trying to find the cool spot in the house or yard, and he appears to have retired from all activities apart from sleeping, eating and pooping. Walking optional.  But suddenly, overnight, you look at your dog and you notice that he looks like someone just gave him hair plugs and he suddenly wants to do shit. Like now. Now. Now. Now. Please. Now? Right as you’re collapsing onto the sofa for a long evening of not moving and staring at nothing, he’s ready for squirrel bating, goose huntin, leash yanking fun times. And boy, is he going to make you aware of it. Balls at your feet, pacing, barking at trucks, neighbors and sirens, scrambling to the door every-time he sees you move or change shoes. Goddam.. its exhausting. And that’s before you’ve even left the house.

5. You decide to cook something

I know there are people out there who do this all year long, but for us singletons, cooking is 100% optional in the summer. Hell, that’s what grills are for and if necessary, you can always drink dinner with a chips and salsa chaser. But as the weather cools, you find yourself pondering what one does with a squash and wondering if your mother was right about the joys of a slow cooker.  You dust off the oven and wonder what actually goes into a ‘stew’. Have no fear though, this feeling will pass as temperatures continue to plummet and you discover the 12 new Asian restaurants that now deliver to your neighborhood. And hell, you can still drink your dinner if necessary- that’s what red wine is for.

6. You bed becomes more alluring than a hot stud muffin in Levis

Sure you really could use a little loving, and boy it would be nice to make out with someone before you forget how, but hey… come winter you know your bed will suffice. You don’t need to shave your legs to get full enjoyment out of it and you know you can’t fuck it up. Damn that bed is an alluring bitch in the winter. You spend your days dreaming about the moment you’re going to climb into it, and every morning, as you’re smoothing the sheets, you’re already cooing ‘I’ll be back soon my love’. Sure it won’t buy you dinner or make you reach for the stars, but damn, its never boring and it always always delivers.

But don’t worry folks, winter here once it taxi’s down the jetway and deplanes. And then we can all start moaning about bad drivers from Texas, the lack of snow plows and why you need to work from home.

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