October 1, 2013 Denver, CO Today a woman in the Denver metro area set a new world record for the shortest first date in history, surpassing the pre-existing record set by Hope Smith in 1998 (28 minutes). The woman, who wishes to remain anonymous, claims that she hadn’t set out to target the record but she ‘just couldn’t waste another minute of her life’ with the man in question.
‘He didn’t even check that I was his date’, she said, ‘he just sat down and started talking about himself’. The man in question, Dave, had represented himself as a small business owner and was ‘super busy’ but expressed that he was, in fact, ‘looking for a relationship’.
‘He just launched into his life story’, said the woman, ‘he didn’t mention that it was nice to meet me, or say anything about my appearance. He started at age 18 and kept going’.
‘I wondered if he had confused our meeting with an interview’.
Alarmed by the one sided nature of the early conversational gambits, the woman tried to interject with questions and commentary, but was overridden and interrupted by Dave, who clearly had his objectives for the meeting established prior to arrival.
The self taught burger man, recently aligned to a local brew pub, spent the first 15 minutes of the evening sharing his life story, then proceeded to list the names of siblings and relations of famous people he’d met and considered ‘close friends’.
‘He kept mentioning people’s names and then presenting their parents or relations as though it was a game show. He mentioned a ex girlfriend and then proceeded to mimic Bob Barker saying “whose father invented a little clothing store you might have heard of……yes… the GAP” ‘It just went on and on’ she sobbed.
‘He mentioned the son of Lehman Brothers CEO, Dick Fuld and the ex wife of some disgraced telecom CFO. He even mentioned knowing the brother in law of Dick Cheney’s wife’s sister at one point.’
‘I know someone who used to hang with Sharon Stone but I don’t talk about it on a date’ the woman said.
Despite his extensive, though somewhat tenuous links to the famous and fortunate, Dave himself originated from Cleveland and had apparently spent the last 20 years flipping burgers in ski towns. ‘He told me he was an executive chef’, said the record breaker, ‘ but it was clear he had spent his career making and cooking beef patties’.
The ‘ budding entrepreneur’ has been building his local reputation at a local brew pub where he’s been adding a variety of cheeses, guacamole and mushrooms to the burgers on offer.
‘He said he owned a gastropub’ the woman said, ‘ but I don’t think putting Pepper Jack Cheese and some onions on a burger really qualifies. Plus he mentioned the ‘owner’ several times, so I’m not if he’s actually involved in management at all’
In an attempt to detract from the tedious nature of the recitation, the women tried in vain to branch off into other topics of conversion by asking him about his hobbies and interests.
I was hoping to talk about cycling or hiking or even movies’, she recounted, ‘But then he just started talking about his various shift patterns and how he’d had to fire a bunch of people at the pub’
‘He seemed really intent on having me understand how hard it is to run a pub’
Dave, to his credit, clearly felt the need to explain the detailed nature of staffing at the ‘gastro-pub’, however was suddenly and without warning, interrupted by the appearance of a friend of the now distraught woman
‘It was like a real life miracle. My friend Gary entered the pub and came over to say hello. I tried signaling with my eyes- ‘S.O.S’ -but I think he thought I was just flirting a bit’.
While Gary did temporarily interrupt the onslaught and gave the woman a glimmer of false hope, he left as quickly as he arrived, and the droning resumed.
‘We were 20 minutes in and he still hadn’t asked me a single thing about myself’, the woman admitted, ‘I started to wonder if I really even needed to be there’
At 21 minutes, the critical turning point during the first date event, the decision was made and all of the years of training kicked in.
‘It was at this point that I decided I had to go for the record’ the woman said. ‘I literally felt braincells oozing out of my ears and to be honest, I was starting to envision my death with some excitement’
With the minutes ticking down, the woman signaled for the check, laid down her card and signed in a smooth ‘I’m leaving’ move that she’d been perfecting during her summer of less than stellar dates.
‘I’ve gotten quite good at exiting a bar without them even noticing’ she said, ‘most of them are too busy talking about themselves’. With just seconds to spare, the woman made the final play and powered towards the finish line.
‘I told him that “I didn’t think we needed to waste any more of either of our time and that I was going to go’ she said. Dave, not willing to let the record go without a fight, tried to stall with a mention of mountain biking, right as the woman stood to leave.
‘He asked me if I mountain biked and I said no’ the woman said, ‘then he asked me if I wanted to go mountain biking with him and I said no again’.
‘In retrospect I think he might be a bit retarded’
As the woman reached the door, Dave was last heard mumbling about the possibility of a future mountain biking trip.
Despite the urgency and expediency with which the woman had dispatched her date, she wasn’t aware that she’d smashed the record until some 30 minutes later.
‘I headed to my favorite bar to meet up with a girlfriend and noticed that it was only 8.05pm’, the woman smiled, ‘it was then that I realized that I might have actually smashed the world record’.
Official sources from Match.com later confirmed that yes, in fact, the woman had set a new record for shortest first date in history (25 minutes), and that in acknowledgement of her outstanding achievement, her membership to the dating site would be extended indefinitely.
‘I did this for me’ the woman said in a statement released today,’but I also did this for all women who’ve suffered through hours of self obsessed monologues’.
‘We don’t need to take it any more. You can end the date and it gets better when you do’
When asked about her future plans the woman would not specify, however she was seen in the Denver Metro area fueling her motorcycle and talking about leaving town to ‘clear her head’. Speculation remains as to how long this new record will stand, though friends of the woman have confirmed that they have no doubt she may return to smash her own record, circumstances permitting.