People I’ve taken agin’

thumbs downIn Ireland, there is a commonly used phrase ‘ I’ve take agin’ that I think the US needs to adopt. Lord knows we all do it, but we just don’t talk about it. Maybe its because no-one has co-opting this phrase. Yet.

You might be asking.. what on earth is ‘taken agin’?

In British it’s defined as follows; “to take against someone is to begin to dislike someone, often without having a good reason.” In Ireland, whether its due to all that Guinness or just the accent, it gets shortened to ‘take agin’ (ag-in).  Used in a sentence; ‘I’ve taken agin that Mavis Prewett’ means you just don’t like Mavis, though you don’t have a specified reason why. Maybe she gave you stinkeye at the Post office once..? Or maybe her hair just annoys you. Either way, you’ve taken agin’ her and that’s that.

Hey, we’re British. We’re known for being small minded and judgmental. And lately I’ve been adding to my list of those I’ve taken agin’.

1. My dermatologist.

After assuring me that the new freckle/mole on my chest wasn’t cancer, I took agin’ my dermatologist when she looked up from my chest to my face and started frowning. ‘Have you considered a laser treatment for all those age spots?’ Well I hadn’t. But now apparently I need to. I asked what that entailed, trying to clarify what was so horrific that I was straining her Botoxed forehead (trying to frown), she also mentioned that my crows feet were quite deep and preventative maintenance was something I needed to start thinking about at ‘your age’. While I’m thrilled I don’t have cancer, I can’t help but hold her judgement of my crone’s face agin’ her. She will not be getting a Christmas card from me, no matter how wizened and crinkly my face becomes.

2. Simon Cowell

I don’t watch American Idol, in fact I don’t watch anything he’s ever been a part of but I took agin’ Simon Cowell the moment I heard he uses black toilet paper. Irrational yes, but justifiable? Perfectly. Who uses black toilet paper? And why? Who even spends that much time thinking about toilet paper that they’d actively seek out and buy a specialty type. I looked into it and the company who makes it bills itself as ‘Fashionable, Sensual, Sophisticated, Fun, and Unique’. Just the words I want associated with fecal matter. Sorry Simon.. but I’m agin’ you and your fancy pants loo roll.

3. Oprah.

*gasp*. I know, its worse than nailing an upside down cross on the wall or denouncing Obama to take agin Oprah but I can’t help it. Once she gifted several pairs of Louboutin’s to Gwyneth Paltrow on her show in 2002 (a girl who clearly needs more free shit), I lost all faith in the almighty O and her ‘common touch’. Louboutin’s are ~$700 a pair. Common touch? What planet are you on woman? That’s a months rent in middle America. And don’t tell me that my Louboutin’s will manifest if I buy that ‘Secret’ book garbage. The world doesn’t need any more people wishing on vision boards in the hope of finding love or money or happiness. That’s for rich people. Sorry Oprah, but you’re on my agin’ list until I spy you lugging a gallon of milk from the grocery store in yoga pants and flip flops like the rest of us.

4. Vegans

I know and like many vegetarians and even a few vegans.. but I’ ve had to take agin’vegans who are intent on converting me. I hold no grudge against anyone’s dietary whims (though Mr Man eating a MacDonalds on the plane last week got a serious case of stink eye from me) , but quite a few vegans seem to insist on trying – with all the zeal of Mormons. I’m already highly restricted by my celiac disease and blood clotting disorder, so Ms. Vegan, I can’t help but take agin’ you  when you want me to stop eating whole other food groups on the basis of ‘healthfulness’. ‘Healthfulness’ isn’t even a real word. And if I cut out all of the animal products in my diet, in addition to the stuff I can’t already eat because it will, literally, kill me, I’m left with 2 stalks of celery and an eggplant. Sorry vegans, but I’ve taken agin’ your dietary quirkiness and your need to share it with me. I’ll be over here with my cheeseburger, quietly glowering at you.

5. The girl who snaps her gum

You know who you are. The one busy sighing as you stand in line because waiting at the checkout is just.so.lame. Really. To quell your boredom you’ve decided to treat me and the other 5 people in line to the musical sounds of your saliva squishing, lip smacking and gum snapping as you chomp on your wad of gum. I wish you no ill in reality, Ms.Gum Snapper but you should know that I have taken agin you and will be considering psychic strangulation if you don’t close your mouth in the next 3 seconds.

***

So the next time you’re waiting in line, driving your car, standing in a bar or casually watching tv and you are hit by a sense of intense irritation for no specific reason.. know that you’ve probably just taken agin’ someone. Congratulations! You’ve just joined the legions of us mentally disliking someone for no good reason. The list is long and completely irrational.. but don’t worry, we all have them. And if you don’t.. well I might just take agin’ you too.

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