This week seems to have been ‘scary’ week on Match.com. Not content with sending me every sexagenarian (look it up, and no, its not sexy) in the Denver metro area, now they’re sending me all the socially awkward weirdos with the writing skills of an 8 year old. I should know, my niece is 8 years old and could write profiles better than this. (And she believes babies come from tomato plants and that being a princess is a career option)
Apparently the guys writing these profiles aren’t far from that. I don’t know whether to laugh, cry or just send helpful hints. Someone needs to help these guys out because no woman is ever getting close enough to actually tell them that their profile sucks.
1. Seeeexxxxxxy Guy
This guy seems to have just discovered his penis. In fact, he’d like to show it to you. Or at least mention it a lot. He thinks you might need reminding that dating leads to sex and so he’s going to mention his desire, his passion, how he’ll seduce you and the role of food in wooing you (no, I’m not kidding). Y’know.. because its all about sex. And he wants to make sure that you know that. Did I mention how much I enjoy making love to a special lady? Sadly what this guy doesn’t realize is that photographing a plate of salmon and broccoli and adding it to your Match.com profile as ‘food porn’ is about a sexy as .. well salmon and broccoli on Match.com. Anyone who talks about making love to a lady as an introduction to himself isn’t going to be ‘making love’ to anyone but himself. Hope he likes salmon and broccoli.
2. Bitter? Party of one?
He loves his kids. He loves his job. He’s busy and committed. He’s learned a lot and he’s in a good place. He’s looking for someone special. (And he hates his ex with a passion shared for 9/11 terrorists and clowns). He wants someone who’s honest (because she wasn’t), who’s independent (she wouldn’t let him go out with his buddies) and who doesn’t play games (she got the good car in the divorce). He appreciates women who can dress up (his ex wore yoga pants for 7 years straight) and who can hang in jeans and a tee (those yoga pants were damn expensive). He wants someone who’s open (he didn’t see the divorce coming) and who’s a good communicator (bitch was yeller). FYI – he has a great relationship with his ex and he’s not looking for a Mom for his kids (except when he has to work late).
Bitter man might have done the time, but he’s still living the crime. Guess who you’re talking about on date #2?
3. ‘I seem much much younger’ guy
I know my profile says I’m 45, ( I’m actually 49) but all of my friends say I act much much younger and I pass for 32 most of the time. And hey, I’m up for anything. I shun responsibility and you can find me anywhere doing anything at anytime. Ignore the fact that I’m a year from 50.. I can hang with the kids. And I do.
Mr.’I’m really young’ aka ‘I’m an immature fool who’s terrified of aging’ is the ultimate turn off to women. We don’t want to date a man who claims to look much much younger… if he did, he wouldn’t need to say it. After all, we can see your photo.. and its not screaming ‘youth’. Its sort of whispering ‘desperation’ and ‘hair plugs’. Now hands up who wants to date that old creepy guy at the college bar? Exactly.
4.’Here’s some pictures of me in the 80s’ guy
Unless grunge is back in fashion or you’re going to a costume party we know that those photos are old. Maybe you still drive a 87 Corolla but we doubt it and we can see that in some photos your hair is brown and others it grey. So unless you’re POTUS, we know there’s some time lapse going on in your photo profile. We get it, everyone has some good shots they want to post when they were doing something cool or looking pretty good, but honestly, please post some which actually still resemble you. If you’ve gained 25lbs or gone bald in the last few years it might be good to know.. if only so that we get to ditch the correct guy in the bar. And no, if you show up and you’re clearly not the guy in the photo we.will.notice. And no, we won’t be sympathetic. It works both ways guys..both ways.
5. ‘Work in progress’ guy
There’s nothing on his profile -not even a picture- but he likes you. You know he’s 6 ft 1 and single but other than that, everything else is blank or ‘I’ll tell you later’. Its great that you want to put yourself out there to date, but honestly we’re going to need more than your height and a confirmation of your dating status to go on. We’re looking but we’ve not that desperate. I know women can be accused of being picky, but c’mon dude. Give us something. Sending us a note or a ‘wink’ with nothing else to go on is the equivalent of a drive by cat call. Pretty fucking useless as a way to meet women. And if you’re just using the site to access jack off photos.. why not just click on some free porn?
6. Sports guy
I love hanging with my buddies and watching the game. Go Bears! I have season tickets to the game.. which one? All of them. Me and my buddies like to hit the occasional sports bar and play some pool when there’s not a game on. I love tailgating, BBQs with my buds and kicking back on the sofa with a beer and a movie. FYI I love my mom.
I know, just know that for some chicks out there this might be ‘dream man’, but I honestly think this woman only exists on TV sitcoms. This guy – according to his profile -spends all of his free time watching sports and hanging with dudes. Just like he did when he was 21. Which means your role, should you choose to accept it, is to accompany this guy to every professional or college sports game in the metro area. Our future? College football games, red cups of keg beer in fall, a 70 inch plasma tv and a whole bunch of sofa sitting while I stand in the kitchen with the other ‘halves’ making dip and bitching about our neighbors. How.. tell me how… is this attractive? Appealing to any woman? Ok, I know I’m not American but really? Do these women exist?
So there you have it. A quick sift through my potential ‘matches’ of the week.
Needless to say I won’t be indulging in food porn, listening to someone bitch about their ex, downing shots or hitting up a sports bar. Hell no, I’m 41.. and I think there’s an Ink Master marathon on.