You can never be too safe

Starbuck-Guns-CoffeeYesterday Howard Schultz, he of the ubiquitous green mermaid and meth v2.0  (aka the Pumpkin Spice Latte) was making news. And it wasn’t good. In fact it got a whole heap of people riled up…

  • They’ve come up with a larger size than the much ridiculed ‘Trenta’ ? (Italian for ‘house sized American’)
  • They’re expanding into to IV drips and adhesive caffeine patches?
  • They’ve decided to stop with the coffee thing altogether and focus on selling Paul McCartney CDs?

No, even worse. They’re asking you not to bring your gun into the store.

*gasp*

Well I know that those soccer Moms can get a little gangsta when the barista is slow with their half caff latte but I had no idea that firearms were involved. Good to know.. Unfortunately this news came a little too late for me to lock and load for my decaf, but hey.. I’ll bring my mace and pray for a peaceful Thursday.

After a little research I found there’s a whole other bunch of places where you’re not allowed to take guns in America. So if you want to stay safe, take a look and employ some alternate means of protection. After all, those second amendment rights aren’t there for show and if we don’t use them… well you’ve only got yourself to blame. Here’s some ideas to get you started.

1. Hospitals

Now I know that its easier and much faster to get medical care if you wave a 9mm around (always works in the movies), but apparently you’re not allowed to carry your semi automatic weapon into hospitals any more. How you’re meant to protect yourself when the shit hits the fan in the gastroenterology ward I don’t know.. but I for one, will be bringing a bleach filled syringe (Terminator 2 stylin’) for when I need, really need some ice chips. Think ahead people. Women in labor? I’m going to suggest hand grenade – its light, its small and it fits in your labor bag. Cancer patient? How about some uranium? You’re radioactive already in fact, you might be your very own WMD. Sitting in ER? I’m thinking Chinese throwing star can help take out those ahead of you quietly and hey, you can probably take out the entire waiting area without making a sound.

2. Taking your driving test

I found that packing heat while learning to drive is essential for getting to grips with traffic and the rules of the road, plus you never know when shit will go down. How else do you get right of way at a stop sign? And don’t get me started on parking spots. Its hard to reverse into a space, but waving your 45 can help others understand that you need more space. I also find that driving instructors really are supportive if you’re packing, but since its now illegal, I would suggest that you get your car outfitted with those awesome spiked rims that James Bond villains used to employ. That way you can alert a fellow road user to your need to change lanes and, if used in conjunction with a rear mounted flame thrower, you can pretty much ensure your driving test proceeds unimpeded by other road users.

3. The Beach

Some liberal nancys argue that the beach is a “safe” zone and that the need for personal protection is rendered null and void due to the so called “fun in the sun” attitude of your typical beach goer. But hey, you can never be too careful. Since your weapon can get a little gritty in the beach environment anyway, I would strongly suggest that you store all firearms in the closest vehicle, and venture out with a cyanide tipped blow gun. It won’t be impeded by sand, its light, fast and silent so no hassle from any napping beach goers. If this doesn’t give you the level of assurance you typically require, I’d supplement your beach armory with a ring sword. It doubles as a frisbee so you can play, and protect your nearest and dearest. Might want to outfit the kids with some chain-mail if you’ve got bad aim in the family though. Safety first and all that crap.

4. Community Gardening

Now I know that many of you might be questioning the need for protection while fertilizing the beets, spraying the tomatoes or harvesting the chard, but let me tell you, danger is everywhere. Since discharging a firearm in a public space is a felony, you’ll need to look elsewhere for your rural protection needs. Now I know many of you might immediately turn to the tools at hand – a good swing with a shovel can be effective if you can generate the torque needed to completely decapitate a head, but sadly for many of us, this won’t keep you feeling safe while you’re deadheading the garlic. My recommendation would be a good old fashioned scythe. Its practically designed for self protection and I say its the discrete weapon for today’s gardener. If you have the space, I’d also recommend adding in a mace, some nun chucks and that reliable old favorite, the machete. Its in keeping with the whole ‘rustic’ theme of the environment, and you can probably do double duty  on those raspberry canes.

And finally..

5. Your neighborhood coffee shop

With the recent ‘request’ from Mr.Schultz I’d suggest you go one of two ways on protection while ordering and drinking coffee. You can go ahead and use your second amendment rights (after all, Schultz only ‘asked’, he didn’t ban), or you can really go with the flow and adapt to the whole ‘drinking shit’ environment. Ricin capsules are highly effective at silencing that bitch on the next table who’s whining about her C section scar, and if necessary, you can sneeze it over that crappy barista who is always making your cappuccino too wet. For a more urgent threat, I’d suggest that you always carry a switchblade, have your surface to air missile on ‘ready’ position in the Beamer and if all else fails, you can make like a non American and run.

Stay safe out there kids.

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