Chick flicks that won’t ever get made

lose a guyI love a good chick flick. Boy meets girl, misunderstanding occurs, she’s adorable, he’s handsome and disarming, everything works out in the end. Its like taking a warm bath in fantasy land as defined by every storybook and Disney cartoon. And while we love to settle down on a Saturday afternoon with some TBS reruns, we (me and eleventy million other people) know it isn’t always that simple.

Chick flicks are to reality what weddings are to marriage. A pristine, untarnished fantasy. But unfortunately, as a single chick who’s spent more than a few nights in with Netflixs, watching chick movies tends to reset your expectations at somewhat (eye roll) of an unrealistic level. After a steady diet of Kate Hudson, Katherine Heigl, Meg Ryan and Julie Roberts, how can you not have unrealistic ideas of what a relationship, or even dating looks like?  Me.. I’d like to see some chick flicks that are a little more reflective of ‘real life’.

How to Lose a Guy in 2 Dates

Kate meets Matthew in a bar where he decides to hit on her because she’s not slutty or fat, has bright blond hair and he needs a date for a company bash. He’s completely career obsessed and only dates women in order to further his career. They engage in major eye fuckery and she gets on his motorcycle back to his apartment. She doesn’t want to have sex and he’s all kinds of pissed off. For their second date they head to the basketball game where she eats food while wearing a sporting jersey that is not form fitting in the slightest. He is repulsed. He never returns her texts or phone calls. She spends the next 6 months wondering what happened.  The End.

Pretty Hooker

Richard is career obsessed and doesn’t have the time to indulge the time and effort of dating. He hires a hooker for a weekend while he’s in LA. The hooker has terrible taste in clothes but is willing to be his designated driver so he gives her some cash and tells her to ‘smarten up’. She buys 20 outfits and spends a huge amount of cash, but she’s willing to have sex with him on a piano so he decides to keep her around for a few more days. His finishes his business deal and he leaves town. She takes the money he leaves for her on the nightstand and develops a major crack habit. The End.

You’re Never Getting Mail

Meg meets Tom online. They chat and he suggests meeting. Her shop is going out of business and she insists on dressing like a frigid lesbian, but she does have nice hair so he sticks around to see if she’s worth dating. He’s a bit put off that she spends her time boxing the air and twirling while her business crumbles around her, but she does have nice hair. He runs into her at the grocery store where she’s forgotten her cash. He quickly realizes she is an air-headed idiot and leaves her standing in line with her groceries. He stops chatting to strangers online and starts dating someone who shows some cleavage who he met in a bar. Meg goes out of business and winds up reading stories to kids at Barnes and Noble for $9/hr.  Tom takes his wife out sailing. The End.

Knocked Down

Katherine meets Seth at a club, has unprotected sex and becomes pregnant. She wakes up, sees how ugly and lazy of a stoner he is and decides to have an abortion. They never see each other again and she gets a promotion at work. The End.

The Wedding Planner

Jennifer plans weddings. She falls in love with a groom of one wedding. He’s flirtatious and she totally thinks he’s going to leave his fiance. He doesn’t. He gets married. She goes home to her tv dinner and perfectly folded napkin. Her dad tries to fix her up with a man-boy who she marries out of fear of ending up alone. He can’t speak english very well but he’s better than nothing. The End.

The Proposal

Sandy’s green card has expired and she needs to get married asap. She makes one of her subordinates marry her to stay in the country. He is rich and handsome so he sues for harassment and she is deported. He gets her job. The End.

And finally..

Bridget Jones Diary

Bridget is fat and in love with her boss. He knows this and decides to sleep with her. She thinks she’s in a relationship. He is dating and sleeping with other women. She finds out but doesn’t stop dating him. She thinks he’ll change if she turns a blind eye. One night at a party she is approached by a tall man who is rude and stiff who she thinks is really boring. She ignores him, goes home and writes mean stuff about him on her blog. Her boss dumps her and she decides to adopt some cats. The End.

Boom. You’re welcome America.

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