Cross Fit: The Retarded Workout

confusedCrossfit brings you to some of the highest highs  or lowest lows you’ll ever experience (ok, generalization, I’ve never climbed Everest or had a kid so I can’t judge them against WODs Angie or Fran).. but you get the point. Its intense.

And while I’ve talked about the pain, the highs and the companionship of Crossfit, I’ve not delved into the joy pit that is the retarded WOD. The one you don’t write down or high five with a smile. Nope, the retarded WOD has you hating yourself, hating Crossfit, slumping off to your car feeling like a loser.

You wonder why you bother .. in fact…why hasn’t all of this work made anything easier? And why can’t you do anything?

I define the retarded WOD, not as the one I limp through or wobble to completion, the one where I get dizzy due to lack of oxygen or see stars when I stand up.. No its worse than feeling like you’re losing a lung… its the feeling that you didn’t even come close. And its not because you didn’t try.. it’s because you literally couldn’t do the moves to get you to the point of sucking wind. For some reason as soon as the timer went off, your brain decided to take a nap and you just spent 20 minutes falling over your feet, miscounting jumps or pulls and for me, forgetting how to do the most simplest of activities. At one point I may have started drooling with confusion.

Minute 1: I’m standing at the bar trying to remember how to get my knees to elbows (I’ve done it twenty times at least, but suddenly my brain turns into Homer Simpson). I settle for swinging on the bars like a 3 year old.

Minute 2: Despite the fact that I jammed out 4 double unders during warm up, I can’t remember how to skip rope. At all. And wind up with wire wrapped around my shoes that I have to sit down to untangle. When I stand up, I can’t remember what I’m meant to be doing or how many. I know its double unders but I can’t remember how many or how I did them. They’re as illusive as a Yeti.. despite the fact that I did them 5 minutes ago.

Minute 3: I know its a front squat. I know there are 15. The action is in the name… squatting.. with something in front of you.. but me,  I’m scratching my head and wondering ‘How do I bend my knees and hold the bar?’ I’m not kidding. It happened.

Minute 4: I’m back at the bars but I can’t remember what I’m meant to do. I achieve a feet to bar and am so pleased I immediately fall off.  I repeat this 4 times before I get fed up and return to my jump rope. For…. 15-20-30 double unders? How do I do that again?

I don’t know what happens but at least once a month my brain doesn’t come along to Crossfit and frankly, its astonishing that I don’t expire from just forgetting how to breathe.

I’ve forgotten how to count (I got stuck at 8 burpees for at least 4 sets of burpees once), I’ve forgotten what comes next (check out the chick wandering around the mat squinting at the wall trying to read without her glasses) and one time, I skipped an entire set of something because I saw someone doing something else. Apparently I was totally in ‘monkey see, monkey do’ mode by then which led to me dropping my bar after 2 reps and sprinting out the door .. much to the amusement of my fellow WOD-ers who were busy squatting. Doh.

During the retarded WOD, I forget that I have ab muscles (apparently they fell off), which hand is left and right, and even when to stop rowing or turn around on the run. I am literally an idiot. I really should wear a sign.

On a good note I’ve not killed anyone with a flying kettlebell and I’m sure I’ve given a few people a chuckle if only from the vacant expression on my face when I’m reminded to ‘harden up my core’. That’s near my glutes right? Note: when my tongue is sticking out I’m trying really really hard to remember what I’m meant to be doing. Its my only training tool.

But next time you find yourself air-headed and confused in a WOD just remember that no matter what you do, or don’t do, you’ll still be offered a high five and a smile at the end. And whether its because you’re having a ‘senior moment’ or just temporarily having a time out from thinking, someone usually tells you when to stop.

Driving home..thats your problem.

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