I would do anything.. but I won’t do that

I would do anything… but I won’t do that

I hate that song by Meatloaf. What was he talking about?  I’m sure we all had a mental image of the ‘that’ he wouldn’t do for love.. but frankly, it could have been anything from ‘take out the trash’ to ‘sleep with a goat’. All we knew what.. there was something he really really wasn’t willing to do.

The larger point is.. everyone has things they will and won’t do ‘for love’. And for those of us in the dating world, something we can’t get past. The ‘price of admission’ for dating that person is just too high. No matter how we feel about this person, how amazing their ‘dating resume’ might be, or how much we want to rip off their clothes with our teeth, there is always a point for everyone when we stop ourselves and say ‘. actually…. I think I’m going to go now’. The price of admission is just too high and its not one we’re willing to pay, no matter how good you look in your boxer briefs.
For example, I won’t pay the price of a bad temper, moobs or Republicanism (though I’ve heard they’re great in bed, so maybe I’m not completely ruling it out).

I was recently reading an article in New York magazine about Calvin Klein’s paramour, Nick Gruber, which sparked some mental gymnastics on what the ‘price of admission’ of dating Calvin Klein was. Clearly Nick, then 21, was willing to pay it (maybe dating a man 48 YEARS his senior wasn’t actually that horrific) and found it great value for money given the parties, the $248,000 Bentley and no doubt, unparallelled access to some great clothes. Does everyone have a price of admission?

Here’s the price of admission you’d have to be willing to pay to date me. (warning, its pretty high)

1. I will be a delightful and easy going partner for 3 weeks of every month, however for approximately week every month I resemble a mix of Caligula and Satan. Sprinkle in a little JLo attitude, GOOP snottiness and Nancy Pelosi grit and you’ve got the recipe for 7 days of life affirming, Valium assisted joy.  During this time I will completely contradict myself, will ignore all logical arguments and may cut all of my hair off. I will sob at videos of baby panda’s and my body will resemble the 5th month of pregnancy. We won’t be having sex during that week because I’ll feel repugnant and repulsive, plus your breathing will annoy me. On the plus side, I’m as regular as clockwork so you can arrange all of your man weekends, work conferences and long distance hikes in advance.

2. I have the subtly of a brick. Therefore, if you choose to wear your jeans up over your ankles, your V neck tee shirt is too tight or you forget to shower, I will tell you. As my male friends can attest, you’ll never, ever need to ask me whats on my mind since I’ll already have told you more than you ever needed to know about your outfit, music taste or political leanings. (Hint: Republicans are never on the right side of any issue). On a good note, I won’t ever pass comments on your sexual prowess, your cooking or your mother. Hey, I’m blunt, not mean.

3. I have celiac disease. This means I am one of those annoying people who have to ask ‘is it gluten free?’ in restaurants. Yes, this is as annoying to me as it is to you and it does mean that I’ll roll my eyes anytime you suggest an Italian restaurant. However it’s not all bad. Since most cheap restaurants have managed to poison me at some time, I tend to prefer to eat at restaurants when food doesn’t come pre-cooked in an unlabeled bag from Idaho, so you will be eating extremely well. Unfortunately you’ll also be paying for the pleasure, so you might want to cut down on your bike expenditures now. Sushi ain’t cheap.

4. I am a tidy freak, but not a clean one. I abhor piles of stuff being left around the place and collections of recycling, shoes or bags can send me into a frenzy of muttering and throwing of things. I believe firmly that everything has a place and that time is saved by returning all things to their rightful home. And nothing, nothing in my house is homeless. On the downside, I’m not clean freak so while you’ll always be able to find your DVDs, you might have to brush the inch thick layer of dust off them in order to find the one you want. Since I’m pretty blind already, I tend to ‘not see’ dirt and dust, so until both my dog and I start sneezing, just ignore the hair tumbleweeds that float across the living room floor. I’ll get to them next month or just as soon as I get a new glasses prescription.

5. I have lots of rules, most of which I break. No I don’t eat pork, except when I tuck into that chorizo. I eat really healthy food except for those tamales I had for lunch. I’m on a strict financial plan until I saw those new hiking boots and yes, I’m totally consistent.. in my inconsistency. Growing up adhering to rules enforced with military precision, I can’t help but want to break the rules all the time. Especially the ones I’ve established myself. So while I might ask that you give me some space, I’ll be bummed when you do and if I say ‘don’t worry about it’… hint… ‘worry‘. On a good note, I only break my own rules and I’m honest to a fault.. just don’t ever believe me when I say that I only buy shoes on sale. Women always lie about shoes, everyone knows that.

So there’s some of what you might consider my price of admission. So while you might do anything for love… I’m sure you won’t do that.

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