More relationships than any other site
Its been 7 years and 15 days…
No, I am not about to write the lyrics of Sinead O’Connors ‘Nothing Compares to U’.. but this is roughly how long I’ve been dating.Yikes. I know. My skin is like leather.
(but damn I can now interview like a motherf-r)
And for the last 7 years I’ve been hoping that one day I’d get the date that I was promised by Match.com, eHarmony and all the rest of them. You know the one. She’s all pleasantly excited (but not Googling him like a maniac), they both look excited when they meet, and the date (and ad) ends with a cute shot of them toasting each other with a oyster, stealing a kiss or running through the rain holding each other’s hand.
Yes. Because that happens in real life.
My first dates… not so much.
If they made an advert featuring most first dates (and mine), there would be some awkward half-hugs, stilted questions about siblings, increasingly fast consumption of alcohol followed by a) manic signally for the check while he’s in the bathroom, b) under the table texting a friend to ‘get me out of here!!’ or c) (rarely) the sloppy make out against a car followed by morning after regret and radio silence. Plus even if you manage to stumble into a ‘good’ date, you might get a text a few days later and a few dates which cause you to realize that yes, men lie, and no, you don’t need to buy new underwear.
But its not surprising really. The idea that you can read a profile, look at some photos, exchange an email or two, chat on the phone for 15 minutes and then meet someone who is sane, single, attractive, and finds you attractive .. well its beyond a crap shoot. That you’re paying $39.99 for this privilege is the best con this century has seen. Even if you get past the first visual hurdle, there’s the holy grail that is chemistry, shared interests and values and that’s even before pants come off. If you’ve managed to crawl through the obstacle course that is conversation, what are the chances that you’ll mesh in bed? At this point, bookies are rubbing their hands together with glee and that old dude from eHarmony is buying himself a bigger boat.
Meeting men the old fashioned way – in a bar, at work, at a party, walking the dog or god forbid at the gym – is really no more effective. You’ve just short cut the whole ‘is this person attractive’ step, but you’re still trying to pan for gold. And after 40, well there ain’t many nuggets left in the creek.
So no, I’ve never toasted anyone with an oyster on a date, first or otherwise.
But this weekend, I think I may have actually had a date approximating a match.com commercial.
There was hiking (well, we are in Colorado), there was brunch, there was a movie with hand holding and a truly Texan sized bucket of popcorn. And there were flowers. Flowers!! On a date!!!
True there was no oyster sharing, but there was an actual brief run in the rain as we left the movie theatre. I swear, at one point I thought I was going hear the voice over ‘ more relationships than any other site’.
It was a beautiful thing to behold. The good date. The awesome date actually. With a real live, solidly nice, wryly sarcastic guy. No crossed eyes, moles, gayness or anything.
And it only took 7 years and $700 in subscriptions to get to. I think that’s a solid investment.
Now if anyone has a bridge to sell, give me a call.