A look is just a look
Hey Man from the Apple store. It’s me. The chick at the Genius bar who just glanced at you for a microsecond yesterday.
Yes, I know you’re scared.
I can tell from your rictus grin and look of abject horror.
While you might think that nano second when our eyes met has forged a contract in my eyes, and I now believe us to be married and am in fact impregnated with your firstborn. But honestly it was just a look. Nothing more. I’m sorry. I was just looking around.
I know that you’ve been taught that any unsought attention from a woman signals aggression, obsession and not a small bit of mental illness but honestly, I want you assure you that I’m not psychotic. In fact, I’m quite sane. And no, by glancing at you when I walked up to the Genius bar, we didn’t enter a social contract that now means I’m entitled to 50% of your assets and your parents cabin in Vail. And while I might be guilty of the slightest upturn in my lips, this doesn’t mean that I have already staked out a position in front of your house and poisoned your dog. And while, yes, I did momentarily think you were quite cute, I haven’t actually picked out our china or booked the honeymoon just yet. It was just a look. A brief appraisal of the Apple store patrons. My eyes literally slid over your face. Nothing more.
Your look of horror was a little overwrought I think. I’m not that unattractive.
And while our eyes did briefly connect, I have not and will not be posting extensive missives on Missed Connections about what just occurred and asking you to contact me.
But please don’t read this as criticism. Its not. I know that you don’t know what to do in the presence of someone of the opposite sex any more. Women, especially one going about her business while looking people in the eye, can be really very scary. And I realize that you need an app to provide you with detailed instructions on what to do when a woman looks at you, I’m here to tell you its ok.
We’re as confused and nervous as you are.
Yes, I know that women have spent the last 20 years kicking the shit out of you, behaving like lunatics, desperately trying to get you to ‘define’ your relationship after the second date and trying to find out what your text meant when you used ALL CAPS, but I want to let you know that, honestly, we’re both in the same boat. We don’t know how to talk to you – like a normal person- either. After years of misreading the signals, waiting by the phone, analyzing emails and texts and still managing to completely misjudge the situation, we don’t know how to behave around men at all.
I swear, I had more game in elementary school that I do today.
After receiving years and years of feedback from friends, family, coworkers and, god help us, self help books, we’re trying so hard to be feminine, fun and flirty (but not too much), high value but approachable, aloof and yet warm, open while retaining an air of mystery, that we’re pretty much incapable of opening our mouths at this point.(And to think that we just used to worry about looking cute). We don’t want you to think we’re not interested, nor do we want you to think that we spend out evenings wearing a tin foil hat and pushing a shopping cart. Which results in pretty much staring at our phones and hoping that one day fate will smile on us and you might have some reason to throw us a glance. On occasion we might look up from our phones, and I’m sorry, but you happened to be in my line of sight.
So don’t worry, Man from the Genius Bar, I might have glanced in your general direction, but I wouldn’t be capable of having a conversation with you, a perfect stranger, even if I wanted to. My small talk is limited to obsessing about CrossFit and whether I spend too much time on Facebook. Neither of which makes for a riveting conversation.
In conclusion, I’m sorry if my glance caused you to toss and turn sleeplessly last night. You can cancel the locksmith and no, you don’t need to quit Facebook. You are quite safe. I haven’t Googled your address and no, I won’t be stalking out the Genius bar in the hope that one day you will return to claim me. I assure you, it was just a look.
However, on the off chance that you are feeling brave next time you happen upon a woman who looks you in the eyes with the hint of a smile, I invite you to grow some balls and smile back.
Most of us aren’t crazy. I promise.