10 white lies I might have told you
We’ve all been there. You’re on a first date, desperately trying to look for some connection points (other than the fact that you both live in Denver, are within the same age range and have coexisted on the same dating site for 3 months).. and a little fib pops out. You nod agreement when you really should be shaking your head, you assure him that you totally loved that book that you’ve never cracked, and in scrambling to find an interesting answer to a benign question, you find yourself talking about a trip to Vietnam that you just this second decided to take. We all put on our best face on a first date, so what if a few ‘facts’ are a little more ‘fictional’? You won’t remember anything we’ve said once we’ve kissed you anyway.
1. I don’t weigh ‘about 125lbs’
In fact I haven’t ever weighed 125lbs, not even when they broke my top and bottom jaw, rewired them back together and I had to survive on a liquid diet for 8 weeks. (I bottomed out at 126lbs). As a result of women’s constant lies about our weight and your underestimation on what a boob actually weighs, you couldn’t tell whether we actually weigh 110lbs or 150lbs anyway. So in future, just add 10 or 15 lbs to any number I told you, and size up once or twice if you’re ever thinking of buying me clothing.And in return I’ll keep believing that you’re 5 ft 11 and have a size 32 waist.
2. I’ve never read ‘The Road’
I’ve started ‘The Road’ about eleventy billion times, but I can’t seem to make it past page 25. Sorry, but its depressing, dreary, dense and there’s no romance in it at all. I know that saying you like Cormac McCarthy is like moths to a flame for dudes, but honestly we prefer our fiction less apocalyptic in general and with a little less cannibalism. Bridget Jones’ Diary is actually more my speed. You’re welcome to borrow my copy of The Road though. Hell, you can keep it.
3. I didn’t like Godfather II
I know this makes me completely unrelatable, but to be honest, The Godfather was enough symbolism, shooting and unintelligible accents for me.Yes I know its a classic, potentially the most significant film ever made and that Al Pacino is your personal god. Me, I found all the plinky plonky old timey music really annoying and I really didn’t understand what the oranges were all about. So when its rerunning on TBS next month, count me out. I’ll be watching Goodfellas like any sane person.
4. I love Robin Thicke’s Blurred Lines
Sure he’s a dork and the video is completely rapey and sexist, but its an AWESOME song. What’s not to love? Pharrell, dancing boobs, Marvin Gaye backtrack and you have to admit the dude can sing.
I know this makes me a repugnant human being and completely sexist (my tacit approval contributing to the ongoing tolerance of growing rape culture and war on women), but I can’t get that tune out of my head.
5. And while we’re at it, all Mumford & Sons songs sound exactly the same to me
When you said you were really into the whole folk rock banjo thing and I nodded along, I wasn’t actually agreeing. I was just trying to remember a single song they’ve made. To me, they all sound exactly the same. Sort of waily and like something you would have heard in the pub in 1947. And don’t get me started on the suspenders and abundance of wool. Are they Welsh sheep farmers? No, I grew up in Wales and the only people who dressed like that were homeless.
6. I don’t know a damn thing about English history.
Yes I know I’m from there. But just because I spent 16 years in school listening to a series of boring teachers yammer on about King Edward VII, doesn’t mean I actually retained any of that information. And while I’m sure that all those kings and queens and castles and battles were fascinating, I was too busy trying to write ‘I Love Mike’ on the desk with my compass throughout most of high school. Which hopefully explains why I didn’t have an opinion on the longevity of the monarchy or the impact of the Normans on British architecture last night. I was too busy wondering whether you and I were actually going to make out.
7. I’ve been to the Louvre, just never actually inside
I know that we talked about our shared love of France and Paris in particular, and I was being completely honest when I said I’ve been at least 4 or 5 times. But when you started waxing poetic about the Louvre, I didn’t say anything because I’ve never actually been inside the building. Actually I’ve never even made it to the line. I’ve always been too busy drinking coffee and watching pretty people walk by plus the Mona Lisa? really? Don’t get it.
8. I can cook, but I generally don’t.
My apartment kitchen is very small and sans dishwasher, therefore while I possess an extensive collection of cookery books and my online profile speaks to my love of cooking, well.. my evening meals tend to consist of anything which I can make without turning on the oven and in less than 10 minutes. Which generally means a lot of scrambled eggs, edamame and delivery sushi. Sure I might cook you a meal at some point.. but it probably means I need to borrow some money or something. Don’t hold your breath waiting for that dinner invite. It ain’t coming this year.
9. I have a highly variable level of self confidence
Yes I know I seemed smart and driven, sure of myself and quite extroverted but I’m actually a bundle of anxiety and nerves whose self confidence in inversely related to the data on hand. So while you might be thinking that you’ve found someone who finally has her shit together, you might want to scratch the surface a little. The only things I’ve sure about have generally turned out to be exercises in extremely poor judgement and everything else, well lets just say my therapist is well paid. That self confidence? That’s what we like to call ‘vodka’.
10. My life isn’t half as exciting as I made it seem
In fact, I’ve spent considerable portions of several weekends this summer watching entire Netflix series back to back. Sometimes twice. I’ve not had plans on a Saturday night for at least a month and I have HBO. When I don’t pick up or return your call its because I’m in the middle of a good episode of Ink Masters or I’m pretending to be busy. Yes I do stuff, but I’m also sometimes a total lazy cow who barely showers before 5pm. Nobody’s perfect.
So there you have it. 10 slight fibs that might have just slipped into our conversation. But don’t worry, from here on out, its 100% complete honesty.
90% of the time.