You’re going to need a bigger boat

You’re going to need a bigger funnel

In writing a post about my dating habits yesterday I suddenly realized that while I write a lot about dating.. I only actually meet 3 or 4 guys a year. Which if you’re married doesn’t sound that bad.. (I’m sure if your spouse is rocking the moobs or a spare tire suitable for the 4Runner it sounds positively appealing).. but as single person that’s actually pretty horrific.Why? Let me explain the concept of ‘The Funnel’

(And thanks Hope for recommending the book that shared this concept, and has led to me lying awake at night sweating at the thought of how completely unlikely it will be that I will ever refer to anyone as my boyfriend before I join AARP)

The Funnel
So lets say that you’re in a room of 200 guys. All single and eligible (i.e. not on parole, not married, not likely to be 5150’d anytime soon). How many are you attracted to? Lets assume 50.  Ok, you’re not as blind as me.. say 20 (10%). If you were to talk to those 20 for 5 -10 minutes, how many would you go on a first date with? Lets say since they’re ‘eligible’ and you’re not interviewing for role of ‘husband’, lets say half of them, or around 10. How many of those first dates turn into second dates? Well since both of you can opt out.. lets say 5. And from those 5, how many progress through dates 2, 3, 7.. whatever… to actual sex?  And keep going? Maybe 1. (If you’re lucky and he’s not hung like a 5 yr old or a horse.)

And you started with 200 eligible guys. 

With a potential dating ratio of 200:1, at my rate of dating.. 3 or 4 first dates a year –  it’s going to take me 25 years to find a potential boyfriend. And based on the data.. I actually can believe it.

On the plus side, I’m 7 years in to ‘dating’ so I only have 18 more to go… but on the downside.. jeez. I was hoping that I wasn’t going to actually be a Golden Girl. That ratio makes me consider upping my chances and joining both teams (I’ve heard they can do a lot with hypnotherapy these days). I mean… holy shit.

Of course, you can, as I do every year, decide that proactively looking for a date, a man, a boyfriend, is forced and desperate. That is never going to result in meeting anyone. That the right guy will show up (as all of my friends tell me) ‘when I stop looking’. But since I’m ‘not looking’ for around 9 months of every year.. the ‘dude’ might want to invest in a GPS.  Because I’m still single and I’ve been
‘not looking’  a lot. (Which then leads me to 3 months of frantic looking every year when I realize that a) I’ve not had dinner with a man since the last governor was elected and b) I need someone to touch me and remind me that I’m human.)

Anyway, back to my empty ‘funnel’ (get your mind out of the gutter.)  My ‘pipeline’ is sparse (why do all analogies sound like genitalia?). I don’t meet very many men – even when I’m online dating – and therefore the chances of me finding one I like enough to date seems to be pretty damn small. Right now I’m about 25:0 over 7 years. Never mind one who can tolerate me.  

Which is when I realized that I need to meet more men. And god, I hate that I’m writing that and I now sound like every trope of a single chick ever written or thought. But based on the facts.. 25 dates in 7 years, 3 of which made it past date 5 and not a single one to 3 months…

As Quint said, ‘you’re going to need a bigger boat’.

But how do you meet 20, 30 or even 50 men in a year? I don’t need second job and I’m not about to start wearing a sandwich board while walking up and down Colfax.

(And, you smug-married person who’s rolling their eyes, think about how many new, single, eligible guys you meet in a year and then get back to me).

Well I guess I’m going to have to get out more. Watch less Ink Masters. Look at people’s faces instead of their dogs. Smile more. Get more social (but drink slower). Not get so tongue tied when I’m around new people. Muscle up. Grow some balls. Fill that funnel. Populate the dating pipeline.
..and damn, find a new analogy.

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