I love online dating profiles. No, actually I don’t. But they sure make for entertaining reading when its a slow day at work. Ahem…sorry… slow Saturday afternoon. Cos that’s when I do my Match surfing.. at the weekend, when there isn’t anything else to do, said no-one ever.
NOTE: Guys, if you’re spending your Saturday afternoons on match.com that might be the source of the problem. But moving on…
After perusing the latest offerings of men who will read my blog and then never call me again.. I noticed that the headlines were actually quite hysterical. Here was I just looking at the 1 inch square face shot and clicking or moving on, when actually I could have been laughing my ass off at the unintentional hilarity that is restricted characters, bad spelling and unfortunate writing.
- Congradulations (oh dear… does your Commodore 64 not have spell check?)
- I have a great sens (ummm.. I don’t think you do)
Then there’s the unintentionally bizarre (someone should tell these guys about character limits)
- Tired of dating guys (so now you’re trying women? Is that how it works?)
- I’m good at vacation (is anyone bad?)
- Moved to Colorado, looking to expand (ummmm. dare I ask what?)
- Be yourself. Everyone else is. (you mean everyone else is also me? we’re all clones? Nooooo!)
- I’m from Illinois (well that does it. Sold!)
- Albert (?????)
- Easy going guy looking for easy (well at least you’re honest..)
- I wear permanent press (Congratulations! But I am not your dry cleaner)
- Life’s the same, I’m moving in (um.. I don’t think so. Not without permission)
- I like where this is going (nowhere? really?)
- Go confidently in the direction of (where? where?)
- Laughter is the shortest distance (Um.. I think laughter is an involuntary reaction to certain stimuli.. but maybe its different in America.)
- A metaphor is like a simile (let me guess, English teacher?)
- Love is a verb. C’mon show me (ew… just ew)
- Live by faith, not by sight (..and that’s how I got my driving record)
- Future Soccer Moms apply here (words fail me)
- Easy going CPA.. golf (Woah! hear those panties hit the floor!)
- Saint Jude (you’re the betrayer? Well at least you’re being honest about your infidelity)
- I brush my teeth every 5 or 6 days (god I hope he’s kidding)
- A carnal life well lived (ew…pass the Purell)
- 2 characters minimum, me and you (so you’re saying you’re into 3 ways?)
- I am a really good guy (oh I’m so glad I found you…everyone else here is a really bad guy)
- Enjoy everyday (actually I prefer to stomp around hating life.. but thanks for the advice)
- Nicest guy you’re about to (yes… skip over)
- Seeking true love (well I was shopping for some new Reeboks, but now you mention it)
- Where are you? (Here! Its me! The one with the arm up waving! No, not her, Me!!!)
- May I take your trident sir? (???)
- I, Jackie moon will wrestle a (what? what?)
- EWF (something to do with wrestling?)
Finally, in case you thought I was a mean, cold hearted cynic, there are the stars.. the smart ass, funny guys. FYI – none of whom want to date me.
- I like stuff. You do too? We should chat!
- STOP.. read this profile.. REPEAT (and I actually did)
- Filthy stinking rich (balls, this dude has balls)
- Give me ambiguity or give me.. (oh.. I see what you did there smart ass)
- Don’t drink and wink (Wait…is someone watching my apartment?)
- If you never did, you should (story of my life sir, story of my life)
So.. if you’re ever writing a profile, and you want a catchy headline, let these be your cautionary tales. Spell check. Character check. Don’t be an ass and please don’t be as clueless as the next guy.
But don’t sweat it.. we’re really just checking out your photos.. just like you are.