Getting Naked: The Over 40 Edition

Boobs after 40

Getting Naked: The Over 40 Edition

There is a new guy on the horizon which means at some point, if things pan out, there might be nakedness.

Yes. These days I’m older, more mature, more discerning..plus he’s been out of the country for a while so that’s helped.  This is ‘taking it slow’ time. Get to know each other a bit. Make sure there’s something there. That there’s something other than chemistry, or making sure that there is chemistry at all.

If he can kiss and he doesn’t bring up whether a fetus is a sentient being, he’s probably in with a shot eventually.

Which brings me to a new dilemma. Nakedness over 40.

Yes I have been naked since I turned 40.. even I’m not that starved for attention. But at 41 and change, facing a ‘first time getting naked’ with someone new, you can’t help but take a quick mental stock of whats on offer… (and what probably should be sold at a reduced price for fast sale).

I’m athletic and I’ve not had kids, I eat ok (yay for celiac disease) and I’ve recently joined the cult of Cross Fit. So no, I’m not the Elephant Man by any means. But its also not the body of a 22 yr old. Or a 30 yr old. Or lately, even a 35 year old. Its clearly a body that is 40. And it kind of brings some challenges for the newly naked.

Skin

At 40, something seems to happen to your skin. Its as though all of the tension and tautness disappears overnight and in its place is this strange stuff which looks slightly rumpled at all times. Not quite cellulite, not pudge or fat… just different.  Like standing in a changing room with bad overhead fluorescent mirrors… all. the. time. And its everywhere. From your thighs to your knees, your stomach to your face… all slightly rumpled looking. On a positive note, it does mean that my bed sheets look crisp by comparison but largely this means the first naked time is going to be conducted by candle light or one extremely underpowered lamp. Do they make 20 watt bulbs? Or maybe I can just pray he doesn’t wear his contacts.

Breasts

At 20 my boobs were so high they got under my chin when I did a sit up and almost choked me. At 30 they could still sit up on their own, but at 41, my boobs have decided make like Jewish retirees and head to Florida. Again, I’ve not had kids (small mercies), so I don’t have to origami them into a bra (yet), but they’ll never ride unsupported for an evening unless I need to hide some class A drugs somewhere. Thank god for good underwear and missionary position. Note to self: The bra stays on for as long as possible (or at least until he’s on his third glass of wine).
God knows what dudes with moobs do. George Constanza was ahead of his time.

Butt

Most men love butts. But the butts they love are those they see on the computer screen and the porn site. The smooth, round, tanned peach-like pertness that is the 20 yr old model butt, maybe teasingly baring a cheek, hinting at toned tautness beneath.
I do not have this butt.
I have a butt that has been sat on for 40 years. It has ran and rode 1000s of miles and hasn’t let me down. It holds up my underwear and fills out my jeans. But it doesn’t look like any butts I see in Sports Illustrated. It never has. No matter how much I exercise, eat or don’t eat.
Which is why when I first get naked over 40 I’ll be doing everything from the front only. No rear views allowed. No-one wants or needs to see that other than my gastroenterologist. And even I need to be sedated for that.

‘Bits’

Here is the only light in the metaphorical tunnel of naked 40+ love. Because no matter how abused your body looks, no matter if your cellulite runs from your ankles to your neck and your ass has descended to the back of your knees, your ‘bits’ likely haven’t aged a day.
Unless you’re a guy, in which case…well… sorry. We don’t care that they look like grandpa as long as they work. And face it, they’ve never been pretty anyway.
Us ladies on the other hand.. something to be said for avoiding sun. Likelihood your bits are still as young looking as they were at 20. Just make sure you get rid of any grey. No-one wants to f-k grandma. So make the most of your assets.. dress them up…make them a feature…

Underwear

Over 40, women tend to swear off sexy in favor of comfort. Retire the thong and embrace the waist high cotton pants. No. Just.. NO. I’m on a one woman crusade to stop this alarming trend and if you’ve not read my thoughts on lingerie, now is the time. Lingerie isn’t for guys.. its our best weapon against not being in the mood, not feeling attractive, and yes, distracting from all the lumps and bumps you didn’t used to have. Lingerie can hike it up, in and even create something that isn’t there at all. Dress it up..Guys are simple and there’s not much one won’t do in the face of a well timed stocking, a thigh high or a corset.  Its like magic – the art of redirecting attention. Focus on this… not that. Even if it has to be crotchless panties.
(God I hope its not crotchless panties.)

Getting naked at 40 isn’t as aesthetically pleasing as it was at 20, and it requires a leap of faith that s/he can look past your aging exterior to your vibrant and unique personality.
And if not, you can now afford enough quality alcohol and mood lighting for neither of you to notice or care.

2 thoughts on “Getting Naked: The Over 40 Edition”

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