Top 10 Lady Boner Killers


 Top 10 Lady Boner Killers

Crushes, or the early stages of dating someone, are fragile times and it doesn’t take much to seriously rock the boat from ‘I want to eat you with a spoon’ to ‘yikes, really? him? that?’

As one who’s nurturing a few crushes at the moment, I have to admit that I’m as fickle as the next person, maybe even more so given my extensive experience with the opposite sex.
Example? I was chatting on the phone with a potential suitor about where we should meet for our first date. He asked me what kind of food I liked, to which I joked ‘Anything as long as its not Olive Garden!’. To which I was met with a extended pause…. apparently Olive Garden was on his list.

Really?

You’re a 40 something guy who’s single, no kids and you race bikes. And the Olive Garden is on your first date list?

No, not for him a funky neighborhood bar or an intimate locally owned restaurant but a true, soul crushing, every house is identical, land of strip malls and gated communities… suburban chain restaurant. Located in suburbia. 15 miles from my house. Where he apparently lives. As a single guy. With no kids. 20 miles from all the single people.

Needless to say, his suggestion of a chain restaurant for our first date was an instant ‘boner killer’ and I found myself mentally cuing up my DVR viewing schedule for the evening. Call me fickle, call me picky, and yes, certainly call me judgmental but one of the few joys in life is food which is not found at the Olive Garden. And I don’t care ‘if you’re here, you’re family’.

As women we may not have the equipment, but gentlemen, it doesn’t exclude us from encountering the ‘boner killer’ when dating. Jezebel’s Madeline Davis posted this question to the world earlier this week, which got my friends and I talking about our worst ‘boner killer’ moments over the years. Here are some of our favorites;

1. Simple spelling and correct use of grammar
We don’t care if you can’t spell discombobulated or antidisestablishmentarianism (hey, I had to look it up), but we really really can’t fuck you if you can’t differential ‘hair’ from ‘heir’, ‘they’re’ from ‘there’ or you use the word ‘specially’ or ‘pacifically’ in a sentence.  I’m not an English major and it really doesn’t say anything about you (who knows, maybe Edward Norton says ‘pacifically’ – though I doubt it)..but for us… instant boner killer. We instantly assume you haven’t picked up a book since 8th grade and that at some point, we’ll need to explain the menu to you. Not hot.

2. Ed Hardy T shirts and ‘fake tattoo’ shirts
I really don’t think anyone should have to mention this, but no. Just no. It doesn’t make you a rocker or a bad ass, its not mandatory for riding a motorcycle and they scream ‘I have gel in my hair and a tiny penis’. And I don’t know if men have noticed, but a disproportionate number of those shirts feature angels and hearts. Grow a pair and buy yourself some Ben Shermans, or go all the way gay  with a unicorn T shirt. We’ll be laughing less, I promise you.

3. The bathroom selfie
If you are posting a photo on a dating website, please don’t post a topless selfie. Nothing says desperation and lack of depth than a man who thinks we want to date his abs. Selfies say ‘I don’t have any friends’ and frankly unless you’re featured on the cover of this months ‘Mens Health’, its probably going to be a boner killer anyway. No, moobs aren’t just really big pecs. They’re moobs. And we’ve already got a better pair to play with. No boner.

4. Text messages featuring ‘R’ ‘U’ or ‘4’ instead of words
Are you 9? Can you not spell? The only person who can get away with replacing words with numbers and letters is Prince circa 1988. Are you Prince? Is it 1988? I didn’t think so. Type the actual word numb-nuts. And don’t get us started on ‘LOL’. Reading it doesn’t make us laugh and we frankly don’t care if you’re laughing at your own jokes.  Most guys do. See that woman rolling her eyes… ? Yes, that’s us. The ones who suddenly don’t find you that attractive any more.

5. Shaved everything
Sure they rock that look in porn but guess what? You’re not in a porno. And I don’t need to see every single centimeter of your body without hair. Let me share a secret. Women actually like men with body hair. Its sexy. Sure, feel free to trim that back mat or delineate between your eyebrows, shave those legs and rock your Lycra… but please, please, please don’t shave your balls. I don’t want to have sex with a chicken and frankly if they’re shaved, I don’t know whether to lick, suck or baste them.

6. The Frat House
I know I’m a little bit of a neat freak and I adore a fellow tidy nut, but nothing says boner killer faster than the guy who lives in a place that still looks like a frat house.  Sure you love Led Zepplin, but maybe you could frame that poster you’ve taped to the wall? That sofa you rescued from the dumpster may be cool… but if you’re expecting me to get naked on it? Um… no thanks, not without Lysol. Bongos? Um no. Old pizza boxes on the living room floor? No.
Be an adult. Live like an adult. Which doesn’t need to mean matching towels and embroidered tablecloths but does mean that the futon has to go. No adult is getting freaky on a futon.

7. Server Rudeness
Many, if not most of us, have been servers, waitresses, bar tenders or retail jockeys at some point in our time so we know that people can be ass hats for no reason. The guy who stiffs you a tip, the chick who deliberately leaves  the dressing room without regard for hangers, and yes, even you Miss. Is This Really Diet Coke? Its horribly demeaning to be on the end of server rudeness – people treating you like you’re scum just because you happen to be wearing a name badge. Don’t join the parade of jackasses. Tip your server, don’t ever cop a feel, and be polite. It doesn’t cost anything and it a big tip to the waitress sometimes gives us a boner. Which you’d going to need if you’re wearing that Ed Hardy t shirt.

8.  Therapy Obsession
I’m amazed that I have to write this, but starting the sentence with the words, ‘My therapist says..’.is not a path to hot sex. It doesn’t say ‘look how deep and introspective I am’, it simply reminds us that you, like us, are kinda broken. We know to keep that shit hidden until we’ve hypnotized you with our genitals. Sadly the most you can do with yours, is pee standing up. Whoop-dee-do.

9. Brown teeth
Yes, I know I grew up in England, the land of bad teeth and therefore I have no right to point this out, but dudes.. really.. put down the Toms of Maine. As my dentist said, ‘ you’re better off blowing on your teeth than using that shit’. Your teeth are meant to be white, off white or some shade close. Not brown, not beige and definitely not taupe. Your teeth should not remind us of mushrooms, tree bark or moss. I think its admirable that you prefer ‘natural’ stuff, but no woman wants to get close to your  herbal infused teeth. Dead boner.

10. The bad kisser
Oh I could write about this for days…. as could most women. The guy who tried to choke you with his tongue, the guy who has no tongue apparently, the guy who puts his tongue in your mouth and lets it lie there like a slug, the dude who has no tension in his lips and so ends up wiping his drool around your chin.. and that’s before we even consider the guy who purses his lips like grandma, the sucker face (who leaves you with bruises) or the guy who won’t open his mouth not even a tiny bit. Women really read into kisses. Great kiss, likely to be great in bed. Bad kiss, boner killer. Do not pass go. Do not collect $200.

Looks daunting? Well know that as with all things, women can be a fickle bunch. What turns us off today, can drive us into a frenzy with a different guy tomorrow. But this list… boner killers always.

Boners. They’re not just for guys you know.

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