My alternate horoscope

My Alternate Horoscope

Ok skeptics. I bow before you. You were right. Horoscopes are baloney. I was promised mad romance and ‘life changing’ love in May. Instead I have two badly scabbed knees and dust on my going out underwear.
Did I meet anyone? Lets see. I made an extra effort in May because – hey- this was the month I was going to be rewarded for my work obsession because “you have hit the cosmic lottery”.
(FYI, I didn’t win the actual lottery either).

According to my horoscope, “if you are single, you may now meet someone special who may have an enormous impact on your life”. Well I did meet a very nice cleaning attendant in my office building but I don’t think it was her. Who else did I meet this month? My CrossFit coach (married), a Facebook friend (married), a hippy 24yr old carrying a hula hoop (no chance), oh and a close friend’s partner of 15 years. So um .. no

How about actual dates? Well I did go on a few because my stars “are glowing so brightly” that I was advised to “circulate since May is a banner month to find love”.

I chatted on the phone with a man who referred to himself in the third person and I went on a first date with a pediatrician and ate bad fish (which made me feel nauseous every time I thought about him and the date). Oh, and eHarmony told me that I’d dated everyone in Denver. So there was that.

“All Capricorns win this wonderful month of May”. Well, not so much Ms. Universe.

I got 4 parking tickets, no promotion and I was advised that I hadn’t been doing a stellar job lately at work. I fell off my bike a LOT and am still nursing the scars. On the plus side I did take a ‘stay-cation’ and develop a good tan, read 6 completely trash-tastic chick novels and finally watch Django Unchained (fabulously violent). I started Cross Fit which is kicking my ass into 22 yr old shape, but love… not so much. (unless you can declare love for a deadlift, which I think renders you sad and completely un-dateable).

Today the month ends – according to my horoscope – with my “being the apple of the eye of a VIP”. Well since I already got told off by boss man and its 10.47am, I am convinced beyond all doubt that the heavens are full of shit and I can do better myself.

So here is my own personal horoscope for Capricorns in June.

June will be a splendiferous month for all Capricorns who will suddenly find themselves in the midst of challenging and fulfilled work projects that finish each day at 5pm. Your VIPs at work will leave you alone and be perfectly content, trusting in your superior abilities, leaving you free to accomplish your job in peace and without any last minute fire drills. You may find yourself courted by other VIPs or companies who can see the value of your skills and are willing to compensate you massively for them… these opportunities will benefit both your pocketbook and your love life so go ahead Capricorn, consider all offers!

On the love front, it will be all systems go for Capricorns who will find themselves attractive to all single, age appropriate, fit men in their zip codes with large dogs, good credit scores and no pyscho exs.  Capricorns will do best to not try too hard to impress and stick to the things they know best while dating, such as professional bike races, the beauty of Moto Guzzi’s and movies from 1963. Sex will be plentiful so make sure to stock your cabinets with lots of calorific treats. Capricorns can’t go wrong this month, and that corset will be put to some use!
On the home front, Capricorns will enjoy some wonderful cuisine in June, all of which will contribute to your whittling waist size and most of which will be provided by others. Go ahead Capricorns, enjoy the bounty of others and know that all chocolate is calorie free this month. Finally, on the financial front, Capricorns will find unexpected sources of reoccurring revenue in June, which will not require any time or effort to benefit from. No its not illegal and yes, you can now enjoy that vacation you’ve been postponing. In fact, live large Capricorn.. reward that thriftiness! All in all June is a great month for Capricorns. But be careful, you have an insanely awesome July on the way so save some energy for travel, adventure and lots of fun!

Now.. go write yours. I swear it’s probably closer to the truth that any horoscope you will read.

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