Top 5 Dating Mistakes Women Make
As someone who’s dated now for 7 years (yikes), and according to eHarmony, dated everyone within a 150 mile radius in Denver, so I think I’m qualified to write this post. As I prepped for my latest ‘set up’ this weekend, I had to give myself a check up from the neck up because these days, dates are few and far between. It just doesn’t get easier and my god, have I tried every approach in the book. So.. if you’ve got yourself a 7pm appointment with Starbucks I thought I’d share some of my scars and help you get your head straight. And for those happily smug married, just sit back and remember those days when these things actually mattered to you and thank your lucky stars its no longer something to worry about.
1. Over thinking it
Yes, the #1 issue for all women (can’t speak for guys). Lord, do we over think the whole thing. A first date, a blind date or a date via match/eHarmony etc, we practically open a file on the guy and if we were less inhibited and more flush, I’m sure most women would have his SAT scores and credit status before we ordered the first latte. Google is a bad thing before a first date. You don’t need to know his 10K running time, where he went to high school or his address. And you certainly don’t need to see how many friends he has on Facebook and where he used to work via LinkedIn.
That’s not safety, that’s stalking.
You don’t need to decide about whether you can handle his 5 yr old kid or whether you’d move or he’d move, whether you can take him traveling all week and only being home at the weekends, whether he sounds a little OCD or whether your dogs will get on. Its. A. First. Date. Don’t think. Just focus on being a nice version of yourself and not drinking too much. Liquor or coffee. Both make you more nutso that you need to be. Which, at the first date, you probably are.
2. Its not just about you
You’re not the only one on the first date you know. He is too. Which means that as much as you’re assessing his teeth and shoes (the #1 and #2 things which women look at first), he’s checking out your eyes and boobs (ditto for men). So, as much as you have your list that you’re mentally checking off, he’s doing the same.. ok.. maybe his list is shorter and doesn’t involve a detailed inventory of his mannerisms, but assume that he’s also ‘on a first date’. Which means he’s nervous, he’s trying to get to know you and he’s also making judgements about you. While the way he says ‘tooth’ might annoy you, don’t mentally ditch him. He might be considering whether he can deal with your over-application of lip gloss. Give each other a chance. Don’t snap to judgements. And try to make him comfortable. Hopefully he’ll do the same. Otherwise you’re two people on an interview for a job that doesn’t exist.
3. Set boundaries
So you hit it off and you really think he’s a great guy. Maybe you’ve had two cocktails or four lattes and you’re so jittery you decide to move things along. Do not, I repeat, do not head back to either of your abodes. I’m not a prude, I’m sharing my experience. Nothing good comes from ‘lets head back to my place’. The best case scenario is a one night stand, the worst case could involve ‘it rubs the lotion on its skin’. It never, I repeat, never leads to a long term relationship and overwhelming respect and devotion. It might lead to HPV and a really embarrassing morning. If you’re a loosey, juicy girl.. (yay us), save it for the second or third date. Even if they both happen the next day. Just don’t go from ‘so you have two sisters huh?’ to a blowjob. That’s not a trajectory anyone over the age of 22 really needs to take and its not going to lead you anywhere except back to another first date with a different guy.
Finish your first date by leaving him, fully clothed, in a public place. And yes, a hand job in a parking lot does cross that boundary. You’re an adult. Have boundaries along with a spine.
4. Expect to meet someone new. Nothing more.
So you hit it off, or at least you think he’s worthy of further exploration. Whats next? Nothing.
Sit on your hands. Don’t hit Google, ‘Friend’ him on Facebook or start texting him sweet nothings. Unless you are psychotic, these are not the behaviors of an adult female after a first date. If you feel like asking him out for a second date, great (love girls with balls), but wait a few days. If he wants to ask you out, he’ll be doing the same thing. If it went well it doesn’t mean that he’s mooning around town naming your firstborn or clearing a drawer for your underwear. Which means you shouldn’t either. You met someone new and you had a nice time. Success! End of story. Anything else is a bonus, not a right. Its not a deposition and even if he said ‘ lets do this again’, he didn’t get it notarized. It might not happen, so don’t expect anything. Go off and be fabulous somewhere else. Like starting a blog.
5. Game playing
This is my personal bug bear and seems to be a very American trait (or maybe I just noticed it later in life). Don’t try to ‘game’ the guy. You can’t create desire and affection throughout manipulation.. or you can, but be prepared to play those games for the duration of the relationship. Which personally, seems frightfully tiring. Trying to make him jealous, making yourself unavailable for weeks at a time, casually mentioning the names of all your guy friends in every conversation or withholding sex for months… games. And I know there are entire books out there devoted to games, but honestly, don’t you want to be with someone who wants to be with you, being you? A guy who enjoys games is probably going to enjoy games all of his life, with you and all other women. I don’t know about you, but I’d rather be alone that spending my life trying to stay one step ahead of a partner. Unless its backgammon. In which case, his ass is mine.
So, for all you daters out there.. avoid these basic 5 and you’re off to a good start. I can manage 4 of the 5, but I’m hoping that one day I hit a perfect score and the lucky recipient isn’t another organic farmer from Montana. One of those was enough.