My dog is not smarted than your 6th grader

I hate those stickers. And no, my dog isn’t. And here’s why.

  1. My dog gets car sick before he even gets in the car. In fact, he sees which set of keys I pick up and immediately sits down. I have tried changing key fobs, bringing both sets of keys, but he seems to sense impending car trip and digs in his claws. Seems smart? You’d think. Except my dog has never gone anywhere in the car except fun places. The dog park, swimming, camping, hiking and even Montana. He actively resists getting into a thing that – for him – always results in fun. And I’m forced to carry his 50lb ass down 3 flights of stairs and into the back of the truck. In order to get him out to have more fun. Dumb-ass. 
  2. My dog answers to the following names; Mr.Pickle, Frank, Darling, Stink bomb, Shit head, Fart-pants, Postman Pat, black man, Hairy Pickle and Piglet. His name is Francis.. which sounds like non of these. But every name works, especially if meat products are involved. 
  3. My dog can open my front door, knows when we’re doing laundry (and leads the way), tells me when its 6pm and 7.30pm (dinner, pee time), and can tell when a bath is on the way as soon as I close the backdoor. He also regularly walks into stop signs while looking in another direction and sees every random trash bag as a potential terrorist. Guns however.. doesn’t turn a hair.
  4. He’s afraid of the dark when out camping, but will happily jaunt down Broadway at 4am on his own.  He sits outside the tent as soon as the sun hits the mountains, looking nervously at every twig crack as shadows start to fall, and practically dive bombs the tent in an attempt to escape the dreaded ‘outside’. But Broadway, one of our sleaziest thoroughfares, home to many a crack dealer and most of our homeless after 10pm… nope, he’s headed off on his own for a quick walk on more than one occasion, in search of lord knows what. Maybe he feels affinity for the stinky homeless guys sleeping in the doorways. Either that or he is nursing a crack problem I’m not aware of. 
  5. He starts random races against every other dog. Any dog who walks past us instantly becomes a part of a private race. My dog cannot bear to be ‘behind’ another dog, even if that dog is 1/2 a mile from us and disappearing into the distance in another direction. Cue straining at the leash, gasping for breath and ‘on the spot’ attempts to hang himself. I’m tempted to let him go but I know how many dogs their are in Denver and he’d be across the state line before he judged himself the winner and slowed down. 
  6.  My dog has a wicked under bite and regularly walks around with his lip caught into his teeth. He looks retarded and this perception is not aided by his ability to fall out of his bed (0.005 inches off the floor) while asleep and freak himself out. Nothing like a wild eyed animal who can’t keep his lips and teeth separate. How hard is that??
  7. This afternoon I gave him a tuna can to lick out and the tuna-fish got it stuck on his eyebrows. Which he paraded around with for at least 3 hours.  Maybe he thought he was rocking some Cher falsies, but I think he just couldn’t figure out what the new ‘adorable’ scent was. 

No, my dog isn’t smarter than your 6th grader.

But he’s a lot less annoying and he won’t need to go to college.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s