Tattoos: Trying to be Pretty
Spring as sprung in Colorado and the lady folk -en masse- turn to their wardrobes and cry;
‘I have nothing to wear’
In a state where a Tuesday may mean snow, sleet, rain and sun burn, our fashion choices are always based on the necessity for warmth and A/C in the space of a single outfit. It’s why you see people wearing flip flops and down jackets in Denver and for women, it begins the nightmare transition from winter to summer.
Aka the Great Unveiling.
Yes, that winter body you’ve ignored for the last 5 months needs to be aired out and god forbid, skin exposed as we head quickly from the 30s to the 80s over the next few weeks. And for most of us, its the first time we’ve been fully naked since that unfortunately February incident when we blacked out. And it ain’t pretty.
April represents the most active month of the year for women as we get to plucking, starving, toning and tanning in order to not repulse the general public the first time we venture outside in shorts. Every takeout meal, bottle of wine and skipped spin class is now residing on your ass, and as you unpack your summer fripperies you can’t help but pray that this year the maxi dress is back in style.
Sorry ladies, this year its exposed stomachs, so start those planks and sit ups now, and if you’ve had kids in the last few years, I’d recommend some artful spray tanning.Alternatively you could just move to Seattle for the next few months (sorry Hope, but it’s never exactly ‘hot’ in the 98122).
This year the unveiling is complicated for me as I work from home, date schlumpy guys and have generally skipped ‘fashion’ per se since 2010. The only difference between summer and winter wardrobes to me has been the addition of a plaid shirt and boots instead of flip flops. April has typically meant cutting the legs off a few pairs of Levis and shaving my legs, maybe airing out a few sundresses. No biggy.
However last weekend I was horrified to realize that this year will be different. This year I actually have to bother about what I wear. A lot.
Be warned kids. Ink is permanent. And that beautiful new sleeve tattoo means my usual summer attire now renders me ‘hooker like’ and kinda skanky. Nothing says trailer park like cut off jeans, a tank top and a big ass tattoo. Sans tattoo – generic summer. With tattoo – I look like I’m trying to buy meth.
As someone who wore only white underwear for 20 years and loves navy blue, I’m horrified to realize that while I like my ink, I have no idea how to dress it without looking like a Teen Age Mom. Everything sleeveless or short sleeved now looks like I’m on a prison break and thank GOD I gave up smoking in the 90’s or I’d basically be one step away from Lucite heels and street corners.
Its awful. Not my tattoo… just all the clothes I own with my tattoo.
Sure I’d thought about how to hide it from work, and some of the compromises I might have to make should I ever be invited to say, the Oscars (so likely) or my wedding (even less likely) but I never actually thought about normal, everyday ‘looking pretty’. And nothing looks ‘pretty’ with this. I look like I could cut you up even in my favorite gingham dress. Dorothy with knuckle dusters. Which I’m sure is pretty to some people (mostly residing in Buena Vista Max Security Prison), but isn’t too me.
Damn decision making. I clearly need more therapy.
Instead I’m spending my less scintillating conference calls trying to find summer attire that makes black ink look cute and wondering whether I can get away with elbow length gloves in August. Now I realize why so many photos of chicks with tattoos are just chicks in underwear.. its because its the only thing that looks good and doesn’t say ‘I will murder you in your sleep’. No-one ever looked threatening in just a bra.
So ladies, as you panic about your trip to Saks for that new bikini or trying to lose 15lbs by the weekend know this for sure; you won’t be scaring small children when you put on a t shirt this summer, I might.
Kind of puts it into perspective doesn’t it?