Die Beards Die

C’mon guys. We’ve indulged you. Its not funny any more. It has to stop.
Enough with the beards.

It was 2010, the last vestiges of dot com enthusiasm had trickled to nothing (along with those shares of AskJeeves you bought for $36 a pop) and you needed something to look forward to. Something that said ‘hey, I might not be rich or successful but I’m owning it’. And so you grew the beard.

Your beard actively declared to the world ‘I’m not trying, I am an artisan’, plus you got to save 5 minutes of grooming every morning. You took up brewing beer or making your own pickles, you experimented with bee keeping or joined a community garden. You felt OK wearing a brown sweater. In fact, it kind of joined up with your beard so you looked like one big hairy fronted cave man. You felt in control,  grown up, manly. You sneered at those smooth faced young cads patrolling in their flat fronted khakis and button downs. How generic. How suburban. How corporate. Not you, you don’t want to look good, you don’t care. Love me, love my beard.

Never mind that your nads were now squeezed into jeans so tight that your testicles split into 4 and you went up an octave during daylight hours.. hey, you had bigger things on your mind like juicing, composting or finding the latest speakeasy to sneer at. Your beard signaled you didn’t care about ‘the man’ anymore, you were an individual and hey, it was easier than getting a tattoo.

But that’s enough guys. Its been almost three years now and we, the women, are over it. We’re not that impressed that you can grow hair around your chin that connects to your hairline… we’ve been fighting that shit on ourselves for years. We don’t care that its white or grey or ginger.. its all just pubic indicators as far as we can tell (NOTE: a reliable early warning system I’ve found). Its not cool that our eyes are instantly drawn to that area where your nose hair meets your beard hair (ewwww) and that kissing you is like making out with an SOS pad. Plus, while I love a cyclist, nothing is less sexy than a sweaty beard flapping in the breeze or -yikes- around my lady parts. 

So please guys, we’re begging you. Make like the Gillette guy and get rid of that shit. And no, please skip the alternative facial hair experimentation. No-one has looked good with lamb chop sideburns since Brian Setzer and you’re not the exception. And while mustaches are sexy, summer mustaches are way too John Wayne Gacy creepo. Unless you’re actually planning on whiting out the windows of your van and purchasing some chloroform.. just get rid of the whole thing.

Sure you now look like everyone else and you’re no longer able to nod to your brotherhood of wannabe carpenters and artisanal mustard makers.. but hey, that’s what tattoos are for!

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