Sexy Ugly

Sexy Ugly

I’ve never been a fan of pretty boys.

Give me a clean cut symmetrical face, a perfect jawline and blond hair, I give you the man who has already bored me out of bed. Every woman worth her salt knows that pretty boys suck. They don’t have to try, so they don’t.

Give me sexy ugly every time.

In fact, ugly ugly also works.. just give him confidence, (see Adam Driver, the sadistic narcissist sex bomb of Girls, Lyle Lovett and yes, even Iggy Pop).

Sexy ugly is that unique combination of certainty, confidence and something weirdly imperfect. Maybe the forehead is too large, the nose outsize, the chin in another zip code and the ears tracking jets, but add in some confidence, a motormouth and suddenly wow! Almost like a continuum that goes, ugly, uglier, ugliest, mmm ugly sexy. Delicious.

My obsession started young when I found myself inexcusably attracted to Woody Allen, Mick Jagger and, god help me, Mick Hucknall (Simply Red). None of whom would be romantic leading man material ever, but all of them made me feel a little squiffy. Why? They just seemed way more interesting.

My first boyfriend was 6 ft 6 with long hair and a nose like a pig. Ug-lee but oh so hotly unaware of it. His feet were like flippers and he had a forehead you could show a movie on, but wow, he was a charmer and thought he was awesome.. And therefore so did I.
The imprint was made. From the age of 16 it was sexy ugly, all the time.

I’ve spent most of my dating life in search of the weirdly unconventional. Skinny, awkward, big nose, huge forehead, no shoulders, but all incredibly confident and therefore total sex pots. I’ve lusted after ginger midgets, giant stick man and yes, if Jim Parson’s wasn’t gay, I’d be lusting after that too.

I know my friends have been bemused at my obsession and I can’t explain it. I’ve had lots of ‘really?’ comments about latest crushes and I can somewhat see their point. But not one ugly guy has actively chased me and man, I do love a challenge. In fact it almost seemed like the more unattractive a guy is, the harder they are to snag.  How is it that a guy who hasn’t won the hotness lottery is way more discerning?

Of course some have been awful mistakes (you have no idea how dreadful some people can look first thing in the morning), and some actually turn out just to be ugly ugly (skipping sexy and going straight to ‘yikes’). There was the guy who will forever been known as ‘Beaker’ (yes, as in ‘The Muppets’), the one who looked like Mr.Bean and one who was nicknamed after a rodent. All were sexy, but wow… terrifying when sober.

So why sexy ugly? Why not just equate it to ‘you date at your level’..?

Yes I’ve had major facial surgery and I still can’t get into a club without showing major cleavage so maybe that’s why I like unconventionally attractive people. Or maybe its just growing up in a country where bad teeth and lumpiness are handed out as gifts to our gene pool so its what I’m used to. Either way, 16 years into US residency and I still can’t get comfortable with beauty. Its just not for me.

Here’s to the ugly sexy.  Better conversations, greater sense of humor, better in bed and of course, you both look equally shit in the morning with or without your glasses on. May I count myself amongst them.

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