In Colorado spring sort of creeps up on you, shouts ‘BOO’ and then runs away laughing. Then repeats this process about 16 times by which time you’re leaving the house in a ski jacket and shorts and half of your dog is molting (and other half can’t decide). One day its 34 and your hair freezes as you get into your car, the next day its 71 and the sweat is creeping down your back as you sit in the office in a wool suit. One spring I went into the mall in a tank top and shorts, came out 45 minutes later to a full on blizzard. So naturally, it can be be hard to know when Spring is actually here. I’ve stopped looking outside the window for my guidance.. Here’s my suggestions for deciding if its actually spring.
1. You’re woken by birds. And its fucking annoying. I’m an insanely light sleeper and I relish the cold winter nights because a) people don’t linger outside my window chatting loudly at 3am and b) the birds have buggered off somewhere warmer. I love nature. I think all creatures are lovely and fascinating and yes, I do take photos of hawks and eagles at every opportunity. But please, for the love of god, could you take it somewhere else at 4am? Even chickens aren’t up at that time so what do you have to do Mr. Sparrow, that is so damn important?
2. Your skin is so pale that you no longer need a nightlight to read. I spend most of the summer outdoors and with 300 days of sunshine in Colorado, its hard to be pale. I actually wore shorts from April until November last year and hung onto that tan until Christmas at least. But you know that its spring when you’re lying naked next to a highly desirable hotty and all you can think is ‘wow, I can actually see the blood moving in your veins right now…’ Sure it saves on expensive MRI’s and I won’t be losing him in the dark, but no-one looks good the color of skim milk.
3. The local department store already has a sale on bikini’s, tanks and flip flops. Never mind that its 41 degrees outside and your vacation is 3 months away, now is the perfect time to stand in a fluorescent lit booth of hell to view your cellulitic ass in a 3 way mirror. And yes, everything you ate from October – February is now hanging from your thighs. And yes, it is going to take you until September to get rid of it.
4. You could hump a table leg. Actually maybe that’s what all those birds are singing about? Spring resurrects certain parts that have been hiding in thermals all winter long and suddenly the opposite sex looks more interesting. Sunny days brings out men in running shorts, cyclists and the joy that is a fit man in a tight tee shirt. Women of course still don’t look great since we’re trying to resurrect our pale thighs and gnarly toenails, but cleavage looks good in any color so rock that shit girlfriend.
5. An new episode of ‘CSI’ is no longer a ‘good plan’ for the evening. With the longer nights and the increased sunlight, you suddenly find yourself looking forward to the end of the day not so that you can collapse on the sofa in a nest of blankets and fleece socks, but in order to go outside and do stuff. Your Seasonable Affective Disorder has dissipated and suddenly you’re bouncing off the walls at 6pm instead of drinking your dinner in your PJs. Sneakers are pulled out from the bottom of the closet, the bike chain is lubed up and your dog finally gets that long walk he’s been waiting for since October. You find yourself standing in the garden looking at dirt, eying the grill or even *gasp* making plans to go out of the house. In the evening.
6. The growing ‘baguette’ of flesh around your middle. Winter is the time of bulky sweaters, cord pants, layers upon layers and yes, the delightful opportunity to eat and drink with no regard for the impending impact. One day you’re tucking into your lunchtime tuna melt with a side of mayo and a bag of chips, the next, you have to unbutton your jeans in order to drive your car. You know its spring when you’re wondering if you overcooked your jeans in the dryer and your back jiggles when you walk. You find yourself clicking ads which read ‘I lost 20 lbs with this one simple trick’ and order yourself a juicer. Ah, spring, the reemergence of hunger.
So there you have it. Yes you can look for crocus, budding daffodils and warmer days but I find a jiggling arm, a blue tinged leg and the desire to stalk my mailman a much more reliable indicator that winter is finally over. Plus Amazon has a great deal on juicers right now…