As many of my friends would tell you, I’ve been walking around now for 5 weeks talking like Kathleen Turner. Not ‘Romancing the Stone’ Kathleen, but ‘smokes 60 a day, 2012’ Kathleen.
Its been an interesting time. My voice has been ranging from sexy gravel (my favorite), through raspy Marlboro man talking through a hole in his neck (less cute), to a high pitched screech that makes my dog run out of the room. If I’m lucky, sometimes nothing comes out at all.
My coworkers have been asking me if I’m sick, and on more than one occasion have messaged me (‘are you crying?’), my boss thinks I’m putting on the most elaborate fake ever (though since I’ve not taken any sick days I’m not sure what he thinks I’m getting out of this), and every time I yell for my dog to come, I sound like Barry White wrestling a Bee Gee. Up, down, up, down. Staying Aliiiiiiive.
My primary doctor looked down my throat and shrugged ‘no idea’ (reassuring that I pay $270 a month for that, isn’t it?), and I had to sit around for 2 weeks waiting for an ENT appointment.
I spent the previous weekend convincing myself that I had throat cancer (‘no pain? YES! raspy? YES! large lump in neck? YES!..If I push down hard enough to choke me..actually.. maybe that’s my tongue?). I called my girlfriend;
‘I have cancer’
‘Or maybe a large nodule like ‘The Thing’ growing in my vocal chords’
‘no…Its definitely cancer’
‘you sound like you have laryngitis girl’
‘nooo.. definitely cancer’
‘Go WebMD it. Now. L-A-R-..’
‘Oh… you might be right…that sounds kind of familiar’
The only way I managed to sleep was with my friend Lunesta, who whispered ‘chemo’ to me as I drifted off every night.
The day finally arrived for my diagnosis and despite 12 inches of snow, I was early my appointment. Ready for my terminal news.
After spraying my nose with local antheastic, the doctor pulled what looked like a sewer snake out of a drawer and approached me with a smile.Whaaaa????
“Just relax.. its easier if you don’t fight it…’
‘that’s what my gastroenterologist said …’
‘this is totally different.. you’ll just feel it going down your throat’
Well I finally found a procedure I hate more than a rectal. Yep, sign me up for 100 rectal exams over this. You can even skip the lube next time…Just not this … ever… again..
I could feel the scope ‘snake’ go up my nose, down my throat and it felt like, into my chest cavity. Just when I thought he was heading for my fallopian tubes, I grabbed his hand and snorted at him with wide eyes and a I can only assume, a look of ‘I am about to kill you’. He thoughtfully decided he’d seen enough.
At which point he yanked the thing out.
Along with part of my lung and I think, one of my tonsils.
Jesus! I’d better have a cancer diagnosis after this. I leaned over retching nothing onto the floor.
‘You’re swollen and red and I can’t see anything’
‘….’ (I am going to kill you, once I can stop retching)
‘.. but no weird stuff or cancer.’
‘great’ (you are not off the hook Mr)
‘So I’m going to give you a whole lot of drugs try to reduce the inflammation and then we can have another look’
‘Nhhhh….'(Not if I can help it Buster)
So here I sit, another heap of pills to crunch through for the next month. 5 of these, 3 of these, 1 of these. On an empty stomach, a full stomach and not around grapefruit. Oh and some of them are steroids, so if I’m lucky, I’ll resemble Rambo when I’m done. Goddamn genes. Who gets inflamed vocal chords other than Adele? I can’t even sing for gods sake…
Kathleen Turner sounds kind of sexy, right??? Maybe I just…. ?