As much as I hate to end the week on a downer…if you’re single and over the age of 35, you’ve heard lots of ‘advice’ from your friends on how to address your situation.
‘Stop looking’ along with ‘you just know’ comments, are probably the most trite pieces of advice a single person can receive.
Because the ‘stop looking’ comment is always delivered by someone who’s a) been in a relationship for at least 10 years or b) someone who’s just started a new relationship. You never, ever, hear these words coming from someone who’s single or divorced. Those who offer this advice inevitably look back on their single life and the rose colored glasses come down. In hindsight it seems so simple. (but in hindsight, so did my college degree and I know that shit was hard).
‘You need to stop trying’
As someone who dated extensively post divorce, yes, I have gone through periods of actively dating a lot. Effort was involved and scars accumulated.
So I stopped trying.
I’ve been on a dating ‘break’ since October and the result? I can’t say that ‘love’ or even a date has landed on my doorstop (unless it visited when I was in the shower). The closest I got was a delivery from SmittenKitten. ‘Not trying’ has made not a blind bit of difference to my ‘finding love’ except I’m saving $39.99 a month on Match.com subscriptions and I don’t have to shave my legs every week.
‘You’re trying too hard’
This pearl of wisdom I receive whenever I mention that I miss men. But with 0 dates this year and no sex in the last 6 months, I think if I tried less, I’d basically have to be in a coma.
According to my friend I’m doing it wrong. Not only should I stop looking, but I need to stop thinking about the fact that I’m not looking. Apparently I need to reach some kind of meditative
‘zen’ where I’m not thinking about not thinking about men. How this is meant to lead to finding a guy to hang out with is beyond me? Well the Dali Lama is single I guess…
‘You need to get out more’.
I work at home, but when I’m not working, I walk my dog, run errands, ride by bikes, run, do yoga, visit bookstores and museums, bars and restaurants. I go to movies, I sit and drink coffee on park benches. I spend time with friends. I am part of a community garden and I try new hobbies every year including totally dude focused ones like shooting and riding a motorcycle. I don’t think I was this busy at 26. Unless I’m going to pitch a tent outside my apartment building, I don’t think I can be less ‘in’.
So this year I’m not accepting any more dating advice from people who are married or in long term relationships.You guys can advise me on my taxes, life insurance and where to buy curtains but not how to find love.