Ignore the warning signs at your peril


I admit it. I’m a remorselessly positive person. I expect the best, excuse the worse, and can accept even the most dubious excuses in the face of blaring fact. I can’t help it. Growing up with a relentlessly cynical mother, I over compensated with hopeless naivety.  Now I’m 41, I’m still learning by experience (the ‘getting hit by a 2 x 4’ method of acceptance), and wanted to pass along some of my wisdom.

1. If you have never seen the inside of his house/ apartment and you’re already celebrating an anniversary….its probably because he knows you’d dump him if you did. Whether its simply  disorganized chaos, piles of dirty clothing or a complete lack of furniture… he’s hiding something. On month three of one dating episode I discovered that my 40 something lover lived with little more than a futon and some bongos. And no, drum circles were not factored into my future. 

2. If he brings suitcases on a backpacking trip …its probably not due to his desire to fold things into squares and to be super organized. More likely, he’s not been backpacking and in the absence of experience, has decided to bring everything he owns. Its okay to man up to your lack of experience, but doing it before you hit the trail head for 2 weeks of hiking among the grizzly bears is probably a more appropriate time.

3. If objects have been disappearing since you met him… its probably not the ‘missing thingy’ fairy. Call it sticky fingers, mindless pocketing or just a cavernous gym bag… if things are missing, check his trunk. If you’ve managed to skip #1, check his house.

4. If you find the companionable silences are outweighing the fascinating conversations… its probably not due to harmony and comfort. He’s just got nothing to say. In British we call that ‘boring’.

5. If he’s never had a long term live in relationship and he’s older than you are, you can’t blame an epic addiction to cycling. After all Lance Armstrong managed 4 kids, a marriage, Sheryl Crowe and he won the Tour De France 7 f-ing times. Cycling does not excuse his inability to form relationships. That would be his personality.

6. If you find your future planned out according to his schedule…. its probably not because he wants to include you in his life. He wants your life to revolve around his life. Don’t be flattered. Be worried. Next up is organizing his canned goods and lining up his towels.

7. If he doesn’t like your dog…..he doesn’t like your dog. Game over.

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