A new book has been released which highlights the sexual and romantic failings of the single Brit. Culled from the ‘personals’ section of the London Times Review of Books, the book contains a plethora of personal ads published over the years. They range from the pithy and succinct‘Sexually, I’m more of a Switzerland’ to the self loathing and bare faced ‘Everyone. My life is a mind-numbing cesspit of despair and self loathing. Just fuck off. Or else write back and we’ll make love’.
I love the contents of this book and it honesty in showcasing the lack of romance, subtlety or self promotion so inherent to the American courtship. Instead the British man (or woman), states exactly what they’re looking for, how they view themselves and sets expectations for what to expect… all in about 2 sentences. Fungal infections feature prominently. The overarching taste of the collection is one of slight disappointment and a need to look on the bright side. It also showcases the humor and playfulness of my countrymen.. even in the face of their terminal singledom.
“I put the phrase ‘five-header bi-sexual orgy’ in this ad to increase my Google hits. Really I’m looking for someone who likes hearty soups and jigsaws of kittens.”
“If you’re reading this hoping for a mini-biopic about battles with drugs, cancer and divorce, talk to the guy above. But if you want to know about historical battle sites in Scotland, talk to me. Alan, 45. Scottish historical battle expert and BDSM fetishist.”
“Part biopic, part utopian vision, all epic of redemption amidst the trials of mankind. This personal ad has everything. Woman, 38. Only one conviction for nuisance calling. “
And my personal favorite…
“I celebrated my fortieth birthday last week by cataloging my collection of bird feeders. Next year I’m hoping for sexual intercourse. And a cake. Join my invite mailing list at box no. 6831.”
So today I offer up my own London Times Review of Books personal ad.
“My relatively normal facade hides a plethora of twisted anxieties and proclivities, but don’t worry, I have drugs for most of them. 41 year old with quite the medicine cabinet seeks same for pharmaceutical discussions and sex.’
Step back now, and form a line