(Prompted by the New Yorker who did it better)
Automatic Reply: I am out of the office today due to appendicitis.
I will be unavailable by phone from 8-10 when I will be in surgery. During this time you may contact my coworker, Susan, who will respond to your questions. If you can not be bothered to call Susan, please feel free to leave me 7 emails and a voice-mail asking where I am and telling me to call you asap. I will be ignoring these messages, however I understand that they make you feel better, so go right ahead and take that high road. Please note, if anyone picks up my phone during this time it is not me, so feel free to get pissy. Either my phone has been stolen or one of my nurses is calling her boyfriend in Israel, either way, your torrents of abuse will probably not reach me so go ahead.
I will be checking emails during my recovery from 10am-noon, however please do not expect me to review any spreadsheets during this time. I am bad enough with numbers without the addition of morphine. If you need spreadsheet assistance during this time, please click the Help button at the top of the Excel program and failing that, please call Randy M. While he is not part of the team, he has saved my ass on numerous occasions so you might get lucky.
If you require Powerpoint assistance during the 8-noon period, please contact your administrator. She is paid $50,000 a year and has a degree from Standford. She’s probably bored and could use the challenge. If you’re not ‘sure’ that Sandy can assist you, I will be respond to your request to ‘align 3 boxes’ as soon as I am able.
If you have seen something on our internal website that you do not like, that offends your embrace of the Lord Jesus Christ Amen, could be interpreted as discriminating against men, fat people, a software package or your feelings, please email feedback@Idontgiveacrap.com . We take your feedback very seriously and will consider using it to improve our communications if you’re not a right wing, religious nut job. Regretfully we can’t respond to all suggestions immediately since I am one person and currently flayed on an operating table, so please be patient. We’ll get back to you within 24 hours!
I will be available via phone from 12 noon onwards however I will only have limited access to my email. During this time please do not sent 100MG Powerpoints, 25 page project plans and video files of your cat to my phone. I will respond to your email as soon as I can sit upright and feel my hands.
Please do not come to the hospital with your printed out email for me to review. They will not accept visitors in the recovery room and frankly, your note about the benefits of the new PTO policy can wait.You may leave any hard copy edits on my desk with a pissy sticky note marked with a smiley face. Yes, I know you’re happiest when you catch me not working.
If you sent an email between 8 and 12, please do not resend the email. I will work through all 341 emails I have received during this time, so adding one more will not speed things up, (unless you are my boss, my CEO, anyone with C in your title, a VP I happen to have a crush on or one of my many rocking female colleagues who keep me from stabbing myself in the eyeball on a daily basis.
I will return to the office tomorrow, crippled with pain, high as a kite and bleeding from the abdomen.
If your request is not urgent (hahahahahahahahaha), please contact me tomorrow..