The 40ish guide to dating a cyclist: How to tell is your cyclist is juiced

Despite the predictable admissions from Lance Armstrong this month around his long term use of EPO, blood transfusions and HGH, I was surprised that so many people were surprised. The fact that half of the tour was disqualified in 2009 due to positive drug tests, and that many of Lance’s team mates themselves had been accused of doping apparently didn’t clue anyone into the ever-so-small- possibility that Lancelot himself might be slightly more ‘enhanced’ that other riders.
So today I wanted to help out other citizens who might be starting to question whether their own cyclist partner is ‘juiced’. Here’s a handy guide to checking.

1. Have you recently been unable to locate your partners balls?
Quick, while he’s asleep, check under the covers. If your partner is starting to resemble a Ken doll in the frontage department, he may be juicing. Sure, it gets cold this time of year, and yes, the current trend for skinny jeans has rendered many a genital to Flat Stanley proportions, but if finding them involves a head lamp or tweezers, he’s juicing.

2. Does your partner now weigh 200lbs less than he did in high school?
Sure, he’s now a cyclist and as we’ve noted, cyclists treat body fat like Gwyneth Paltrow treats the lower classes, something she can’t relate to and be rid of asap. But if old high school photos are more Michael Moore than Eddy Merckx, he might not be on the straight and narrow. If your partner’s arms and legs resemble that of an 8 year old girl and he’s riding every week.. he’s probably juicing.

3. Does your partner shave more than 3 times a day?
An interesting side effect of EPO, HGH and steroids is the increase in hirsuteness, or hair growth. Now if his balls are hidden by a new 70’s style afro, his chest hair has grown up over his back and is now carpeting his buttocks, it might be juicing.

4. Could you partner fill your bra better than you?
If you can count your partners abs yet he’s rocking a set of moobs, you definitely have a candidate. Not sure if its moob or pec? If he can hold a pencil under each one..its a moob. If his nips are more perky than yours.. its a moob. If you’re still reading this one looking for other indications..yes.. its a moob. He’s juiced.

5. When angered, do his clothes shred off and his skin turn a mottled green color?
Steroid abuse causes increased feelings of anger and uncontrollable rage. Unless he was exposed to gamma radiation during a laboratory experiment and loves to rock some ‘jorts’, he might be juiced.  If on the off chance that you are living with Bruce Banner, you might want to take yourself off for a pedi when he finds out that you ate the last of the Nutella.

6. Can you 45 year old partner ‘meet your needs’ several times in an hour?
A benefit that Lance clearly enjoyed was the impact of steroids on sex drive. All that testosterone landed him with 5 kids, 2 wives and a pop star ex. All while riding literally 100s of miles every week, 1000s of miles during for 7 consecutive summers and supporting Livestrong in raising $500 million to support cancer victims (what have you done since 2001?). Given his travel schedule alone, how he managed to procreate speaks to some serious juicing. Most 43 yr old guys can’t even muster enthusiasm for some gymnastics after a hard week in the office.

7. Have recent vacations with your partner involved short trips to France, Austria or Spain?
Sure you’ve always wanted to go hiking in the Alps and its lovely to meet some locals, but if your last few vacations have involved extended day hikes to remote areas of the Pyrenees and a highly excited spouse you might want to check those ‘salami’ that Klaus gave you. No-one gets that excited about air dried meats, he’s juicing.

And finally, if your spouse has 1 ball, 7 TdF Championships, multiple team mates accusing him of cheating, has been providing spot checks to the Cycling Federation for the last 12 years and just called Oprah for a quick chat…. I think you know where I’m going. 

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