Q. What is the most uncomfortable way to meet someone for the first time?
A. When he brings along two female friends and there’s no alcohol.
Oh, and the dinner companions are a) bipolar, b) have cancer, c) are the Master of the local Myclogical society (thats Mushroom appreciation to you and I), d) say nothing. Guess which one was the guy I was meeting? Captain Conversation himself.
Now I tend to congratulate myself on my ability to talk to anyone about anything without much discomfort for at least 30 minutes. The weather, weekend plans, family, jobs, activities, ‘how was your day’, home towns… yep, I can natter on without much anxiety unless the person is in anyway attractive, asleep or drooling. I’ve even maintained a 2o minute conversation with a guy who apparently thought my eyes were located next to my nipples.
So dinner with new ‘potential’ friends… no problem. A bit weird, but with a glass of wine, heck I could find something to talk about with Charles Manson. My confidence clearly hadn’t ever experienced the ‘stranger dinner threesome’.
Dinner Companion #1. Looks friendly enough.
Dinner Companion #2. Pretty, skinny, still embracing the goth years
Dinner Companion #3. Not well represented by his photo. Damn.
Oh well, I figured I was here, eat something, make small talk and get out.
The first sign of weirdness. No-one thinks it’s in anyway weird that a complete stranger to who knows NOONE at the table is joining them for dinner. In fact, not even worth talking about…I am clearly the only one who’s slightly ill at ease. How do I know this? Because DC #1 and #2 immediately start discussing their various psychosomatic drug dosing schedule, cancer drugs and whether it was worth going on Atkins to drop back from 96lbs to 93.
Whhhhhhhaaaaaa???? hang on, I don’t KNOW YOU.
DC #1 turns to me and says ‘ I’m bipolar’ with all the enthusiasm of someone telling me that they’re pregnant, or just won the Noble Peace prize. ‘And a nanny’, she added.
Gulp. Is this dinner conversation normal for a complete stranger? Should I expect to be moving onto your laporoscopy and your boyfriends love making habits with our entree? And what was I thinking agreeing to a whole dinner instead of a drink…?
I was so out of depth I couldn’t even remember ever being on land..
I look to Captain Conversation to save me from this sinking ship – a life jacket, something? But no. He’s totally comfortable with his harem gossip and spends the next 30 minutes engrossed in their body dysmorphia, mushroom appreciation, work gossip and tales of the 93 yr old grandmother. Not a word.
I looked to the menu for a liquid life jacket… where is it? where are they? WHAT? NO LIQUOR. Holy crap. I’ve never felt more like the poster child for AA that at the moment. “I can’t get through this without a drink’. Or 5.
You know it’s not going to be a fruitful evening when you’re trying to think of a reason to duck out before the waitress as even handed you a menu.
-Claim an emergency (Damn. Phone is in the car).
-Claim life-threatening allergy (Damn. Haven’t eaten anything yet).
-Scream and run from the restaurant (Damn. I would like to eat here again)
-Die (Possible if I have to sit here much longer).
Threesomes are always uncomfortable. Or so I’ve heard.
This put threesomes on a whole new level, and no one even had to get undressed.
My advice to you out there thinking of embarking on a threesome… BYOB.