Signs you might be dating a gay man

 As the survivor of not just 1 but 3 “relationships” with gay men, I think I’m qualified to expound on some key signs to watch out for when dating a ‘maybe gay-be’ (MG). Dating an MG isn’t actually dissuaded – heck if you like dancing, you love to laugh and your wardrobe could use some updating, I positively encourage it. Just don’t be expected to get any kind relationship outside of the mall/club/late showing of Funny Girl. And sure as heck don’t be thinking that spark, that witty ‘eat you with a spoon’ affection is going to translate into anything meaningful or naked…well, not unless there’s another dude involved.
One “relationship” with an MG is common by the time you hit 30. 2 was pretty careless, and 3, well 3 is downright stupid. Below, a few signs I probably should have paid attention to (and which should give you pause for thought). Hit 3 out of 6, you probably want to monitor his Ellen watching.

Not having a significant relationship since high school
When the guy you’re dating has 14 best girlfriends, non of whom he’s tried or succeeding in sleeping with, he might be a MG. Actually, let me break it to you – he’s an MG. If his last girlfriend wore legwarmers and a side pony tail, he’s an MG. And no, he’s not refraining due to his strong religious beliefs -that’s what’s keeping him in the closet.

The number of hair products in the shower is greater than 2.
You might think you’re dating a metro’, or maybe the guy who’s postponing his ‘hair club for men’ subscription until his 401K vests…but no straight guy ever needs or uses more than 2 things on his head in the shower. Shaving cream and a razor (go baldies) or shampoo and maybe some conditioner the last chick left behind. The only men using ‘glaze’, ‘color care’ or a ‘deep conditioning mask’ in the shower are gay, hairdressers or some combination. Take a wild guess.

Dancing in the local dive bar
Beware any guy that a) dances well, b) dances well in a bar c) dances well in a bar – with no dance floor or music- on the first date. I put it down to youthful exuberance and a Southern upbringing. Clearly, I’d never been to the South. I think they lynch you down there for this,

Reviewing pictures from your week long trip out of town and finding they’re all of men
You’re back from your trip. And the weirdest thing, all of the pictures on your camera seem ‘off’. Some dude or dudes always seem to get into the shot. There you are in front of Café Dumont, and darn it there’s a dude in the way. Then again in the French Quarter –well, a bit of your head, a lot of that dudes chest. Finally out on the bayou with the boys.. lots of the boys from behind, not so much of you. He’s not a bad photographer. He’s just showing you where his sightseeing interests really lie. And sadly, you’re not part of that picture.

The first (and last) time you have sex, he ‘can’t find it’
It’s not hard to find – there’s a landing strip pointing the way for gods’ sake. And if the right things are pointing north, it’s actually hard to avoid it. Maybe the reason he can’t find it is because he’s never been there before. Or he went there once and doesn’t want to go back. Kind of like Boca.

Having his mother highlight his hair in her kitchen
Nuff said.

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