I hate new year resolutions. They remind me of standing in the kitchen scarfing down cake following by posting notes reading ‘No more CAKE’ on the fridge door the following morning. Pledging to change your spending habits, then packing the AMEX card ‘just in case’ as you head off to the mall. Pouring that half bottle of Chablis down the drain the morning after 1 glass too many, only to crack another later the same day.
Resolutions are well meaning, maybe last a few days but ultimately, they’re doomed to fail.
Ask yourself.. what was your resolution for 2011 or 2012? And if you’re reading this while sucking down Coke, drinking a glass of wine or snacking on chips.. well I’m guessing it didn’t involve diet.
That’s not to say that you’re stuck with the current version of you. Everyone and anyone can make a life change (I moved to the US as a result of a new year resolution). But rarely does it occur as the result of drunken vows made at 1am, as you wrestle your skinny jeans off and face plant on the bed into a coma.
Here are some of the usual resolutions you might make….and the ones you will actually keep this year.
Resolution: “I will lose 10lbs by eating at least 4 cups of vegetables every day, drinking 8 glasses of water and only eating 1 square of high end dark chocolate for dessert”.
Reality: You will end the year 2 pounds lighter or heavier than you are now. You will remember to eat vegetables when ordering Chinese take out or when someone invites you to something formal so that you can get into your fancy dress. Your water consumption will mainly consist of coffee, diet coke and wine. You will eat any candy available within your reach, especially after a glass of wine, including but not limited to baking chocolate, left over Halloween candy corn and Tootsie rolls from the office candy jar that have been there since last year. You will buy and consume approximately 72 cupcakes during the year, 17 of which you will only eat the icing.
Resolution: “I will curb my alcohol intake to 2 or 3 glasses of red wine per week”
Reality: You will require a glass of wine around 6pm every day. You will drink red, white, rose and even Riesling if that’s whats available. When your bottle is empty, you will be tempted to mix yourself a cocktail, which you will invariably sip and then throw away. You will be sad but too pissed to walk to the liquor store for refueling on more than one occasion. You will drink your $135 ‘special’ bottle on a Wednesday evening after being dumped/ fired/ flipped off while driving.
Resolution: ” I will read 1 classic novel every quarter and will join a book club”
Reality: You will cancel your People subscription which will then be renewed in February at a higher price. You will buy several classic books which will remain untouched on your shelves and ultimately will be given away to Goodwill. You will spend summer reading back editions of trashy chick lit. You will buy a book about improving your finances which you will ditch on chapter 2.
You will join a book club but get so stressed out about not having anything interesting to say about the selection other than ‘I liked it’, that you will not attend any meetings.
Resolution: “I will pair down my wardrobe and only invest in classic pieces”
Reality: You will buy a navy blazer in the January sales which will remain in your wardrobe with its price tag intact until your mother in law comes to visit, at which opportunity, you will gift it to her. You will hit the stores in a haphazard fashion when feeling blue, fat or if date looms, at which point you will convince yourself that $200 leopard print pleather jeans is a good look. You will return approximately 55% of everything you buy and spend most days looking at your closet wondering why you have nothing to wear. You will end the year wearing the same dress you wore in 2012.
Resolution: “I will exercise 3-4 times a week”
Reality: You will sign up for a gym membership, which you will visit approximately 3 times during 2013. You will purchase new workout gear which you will wear while watching tv, shopping at Whole Foods or never. You will buy 2 DVDs to work out at home, which you will be using for a coaster by mid June. You will watch and purchase 1 piece of new workout equipment which you will then use to dry your bras on.
Resolution: “I will stop looking for a man”
Reality: You will re-up your membership to Match.com around mid May after 16 consecutive Saturday nights spent in front of Netflix. You will spend your evenings Googling ex partners and trying to remember why you dumped them. You will spend every social occasion checking out men’s fingers for rings and will go on approximately 14 first dates, non of which excite you and all of which feature divorced dudes with no spine. You will have ill advised phone sex with a work colleague and will potentially consider a future career in adult phone lines. You will end the year still single and vowing to stop looking for a man.
Resolution: “I will laugh more”
Reality: Keep reading this blog and this one might be achievable.