After watching my painful dating progress over the last 6 years, a close friend of mine with excellent judgement suggested a new process by which I should select dates. Since I’m a fan of process improvement and efficiency, not to mention leveraging others core competencies (can you tell I’ve been consulting today?).. I’m thinking of adopting it.
All future dates will meet and ‘pseudo date’ her. She will cover all first date type material and hit the areas I typically don’t consider until I’m tied up in the trunk/ running from a bear/ looking at an engagement ring in an outstretched hand.
You know, little things like ‘ do you have a job?’ ‘ do you live with your parents?’ ‘how long should you date someone before its considered long term’ oh and my personal favorite, ‘ do you like sleeping with men?’ (yes, 3 so far, and apparently I’m still not learning). She’ll go through the boring crap (siblings, parental relationship, childhood traumas) and screen out the messes. Aided by a complete lack of interest in them herself (our tastes couldn’t be more disparate), she can actually assess the candidates rationally, instead of mooning them across the bar as I tend to after the second martini.
They don’t actually get to meet me of course, not until she deems them 1) sane 2) not looking for mommy 3) smart 4) not gay and 5) not hideous. Any men expressing a desire for marriage and kids before the end of the year, job hunting assistance or who possess eyes bigger than baseballs should not apply. Oh, and albinos are definitely out (that one she’ll never let me forget). She’ll also screen out fuckwits, commitment-phobes, psychopaths and idiots. All of which I tend to adore, especially if they look good in Levis. All successful candidates will receive a ‘certification’. From these I get to choose a lover, a partner or even just a dinner date, and I get to skip the ‘is he normal?’ question which usually only hits me when I sober up or I’m in a car with him 1100 miles from Denver.
I love it. Efficient, practical and by adding a middle man, instead of a bottleneck its kind of like my own quality control team. Plus it hits the key gap in my process (I prefer to dwell on someones
forearms or how well they make risotto).
Now she just needs to move to Colorado to start the process. Or I’m going to be waiting a fucking long time for a date