Like everything, cyclists come in flavors and each has its own habitat and character traits. Finding a cyclist who meets your needs is critical if you’re going to date one. Since they’d rather be riding than dating,finding your type and tracking one down can be tricky.
Road bikers are easily identifiable by their preference for second skin outfits, 80’s glasses and perma-grimace. Not swayed by fashion, they can be identified in Whole Foods by their bulk mix bags of sunflower seeds, man clogs and shaved legs. Find them stocking up on food, obsessively researching gear or nursing a single beer after a ride. Beware that road cyclists will ride well into their old age so its not unusual to find yourself checking out the butt of a 70 yr old if you’re not careful. Always check the face before you open your mouth.
- Benefits – butt like steel until he’s in the grave.
- Challenges – face like Iggy Pope due to overexposure to the elements.
Mountain bikers are the ‘woo hoo’ girls of the cycling world. Loud, trashy and they drink too much, mountain bikers are easily identifiable by their chunky thighs, baggy shorts and bleeding limbs. Find them at the local alehouse, tailgating at the trail-head or just follow the shouts of ‘ooooooohhh shhiiiiit’ when you’re out hiking. Mountain bikers tend to retire to the sofa after the age of 40 (or marriage, whichever comes first), so if you find one out in the wild, know that those thighs are going to resemble yours in about 5 years.
- Benefits – unlikely to skip sex in favor of a ride.
- Challenges – will be rocking moobs and a pooch by his mid 40s.
Triathlete. Don’t even think about dating a triathlete. They’re just sick and wrong. But if you’re a complete masochist, you don’t like sex, drinking, body fat or socializing then they might be your kinda guy. You can find them swimming across lakes at 5am, running in 98 degrees of heat at noon, or in a fetal position on their aerobars in the middle of Wyoming. Triathletes have much in common with race horses, requiring high maintenance,and a lot of assurance. Unlike race horses they don’t have much ‘go’ in them as your needs come behind training for the next Iron Man.
- Benefits – so completely self obsessed he won’t notice when you leave.
- Challenges – do I really need to list them?
Fixed gear guys. Fixed gear riders are easy to spot by their skinny jeans, lack of helmet and sawn-off handlebars. You can find them sipping organic beer in bars without signage, chowing down vegan BLTs or getting new ink on a Wednesday afternoon. Sometimes you can actually hear the sound of their ACLs wearing away as they try to coast down a hill. Fixies are typically under 35 so unless you’re into chasing veal, step away from the man bag wearing weenie and focus your gaze elsewhere. You’re not cool enough and he’d find your muscular arms too intimidating.
- Benefits – rides everywhere so rarely overweight
- Challenges – thinks everything, including you, is ‘over’
Cruiser riders, unicyclists and tall ‘bike’ riders. These aren’t cyclists. These are men using a bike to get between bars without a DUI. Before you chase one down consider what you might tell your future children, ‘ Daddy liked to wear a clown suit and ride around the park on a Wednesday evening at the age of 40’. Really? This is who you’d choose? Unicyclists have no genitals and are simply trying to distract you from the fact (great for asexuals though). I don’t see the attraction in this variation at all, but then I don’t get American football either.
- Benefits – low bar to clear, he’ll just love you for showing up
- Challenges – wearing a paper bag on your head every ride
Recumbent riders: Recumbent riders can be found by following the tall flag, rear view mirrors and luminous yellow jackets on the bike path. These folks used to be proper cyclists but decided that sitting upright was too much work for any activity. Great if you’re close to retirement and can’t bend at the waist, please leave the recumbent rider for your mom.
- Benefits – I think you can actually sleep while riding a recumbent
- Challenges – dating a octogenarian in Eddie Bauer fleece and Crocs.
So there you go, a few of the flavors of cyclists you might find out on the road. Identify your type, pump up your tires and go chase one down.