I’ve always considered myself a ‘glass half full, and preferably a pint please’ person but lately I’ve found myself obsessed with the end of the world. It started with ‘Flowers for Algernon’, an easy read that everyone over the age of 50 seems to have read while sheltering under the desk from imaginary ‘commie’ bombs. Those of us who missed ‘the bomb’ scare have heard of the book (‘a classic!’ ‘moving and so profound’), but few of us have actually read it (‘is it that the one about the kids in the attic who have sex with each other?’). Well I read it and it scared the pants off me and if people were having sex in an attic, I certainly didn’t care. Because the US is hit by a nuclear bomb which eradicates the entire population. Except, eerily, Colorado and some parts of Florida.
Well at least I’m safe for 11.5 months of the year and maybe I can start vacationing in Florida. I’m an excellent camper, I can shoot and ride a motorcycle, plus my dog can pretty riled up when provoked and his dinner is late.
Maybe I’d be one of those survivor types.
But then last night I read ‘Apocalypse Z’ and I’m rethinking my preparations for the end of the world. Do not read this book if you do not want to sit up wide eyed until the wee hours of the morning with a racing heart and an increasingly long shopping list. As a compulsive list maker you cannot expect me to just read about preparedness without a few notations;
- Generators -2? Not sure how to use or what for… but everyone always seems to use them in a crisis. Home Depot? Army supply store? (craigslist? do I want a used generator?)
- Water – need enough for at least 2 weeks ~40 gallons? (yikes, thats enough to fill my apartment). ok maybe just a lot of water filters.
- Food – got it. Beans.. lots of beans. And maybe I can finally finish all those Larabars I bought in 1999.
- Gun and Bullets – Done. Though I probably need ooooo about a million more bullets than the 20 I have in my gun safe.
- Electricity – Hmm. Can’t install solar panels on my apartment without the landlord noticing.. so how many MSR camping stove canisters would that be? Like 4,000? Beans take a long time to cook and I think those Larabars would benefit from some softening up.
- Heat. Assuming apocalypse hits in Denver winter will need a LOT of those self heating packs I use snowboard. Plus my motorcycle leathers under (over?) my snowboarding pants (clearly not getting lucky as the world ends).
- Cooling: If it hits in the summer, lord, I’d just need to get out of town and up to 14,000 ft as fast as possible. And remember to dig out the mosquito spray (since we know they’re surviving)
Who knew preparedness was going to take up so much room??? Where the hell are you meant to store all this if you don’t possess a bunker in Montana?
And then there are the skills I’ll need to survive. According to Apocalypse Z, I need to know how to dive (don’t ask why you’re underwater in Denver.. its the end of the world), how to hunt, some expertise in off roading (done – note to self, check tire pressure on mountain bike), carpentry skills.. and that’s just to get you through the first 2 weeks. And we haven’t even talked about killing any zombies yet.
Yeah.. did I mention there are zombies?
Time for another list.