I’ve been having an existential conversation with a former first date. We met, we chatted on line, we chatted on the phone and then finally met in person. He was, perfectly, vanilla pudding. Tasty, warm and sweet, but not anything you’d ever order off the menu deliberately. I felt like a heel for sending him the rejection email, not least because I had no specific reason.
Sure I could Seinfeld him to death – who wears a tie on a date to a bistro? do guys still use gel? – but he was nice, he was polite, he listened and he even called to let me know he’d be a little late. So what gives? Isn’t this what me and all of my single friends are lamenting the lack of? Decent guys who have their shit together, who are open, communicative, interesting and fit?
True, on paper its perfect. But that’s all. Paper isn’t three dimensional and it doesn’t give you any sense of your non verbal chemistry or even just your ‘sense’ about someone.
I sat down and my first thought was ‘no’.. even though he wasn’t bad looking, obese or rude. There just wasn’t any chemistry.. it was like looking at my dentist or my realtor…a certainty that this man is never going to see me without my clothes on, and I sure don’t want to see him without his. Strange because I pretty much couldn’t stop staring at my prior boyfriend when I first met him (and vice versa). He was like looking at a baked Alaska – huge, interesting and ‘on fire’. I couldn’t wait to dig in.
So I wrote the rejection email to my vanilla pudding and, surprisingly, got a response. He said that he’d received the email on multiple occasions and wanted to know if he was a dog in person or what was actually wrong with him that he kept getting this same response. I had to give it to the guy – ballsy. Maybe less vanilla and more ‘butterscotch’. But I still didn’t want him anywhere near me, clothed or otherwise. Which got me thinking, and let to our existential conversation – where does chemistry actually rank when you’re trying to find a mate? Since we’re both single and had chemistry with our prior partners, clearly chemistry means ‘jack’ at some point. So, he postulated, wouldn’t it be worth putting ‘chemistry’ away for a while until you actually got to know the person?
It does make sense. But I could get run over by a bus tomorrow and I wouldn’t want my last day to have been spent eating vanilla pudding. No, I want chocolate walnut ganache with flambeed cherries and mountains of whipped cream.
I mean, I met a guy in my parking lot yesterday and we had chemistry after chatting for 2 minutes. In an underground parking lot, in sweats, in the dark, talking about motorcycles. No match profile, no date, no ‘here’s my resume, aren’t I awesome?’ Nope. Not even showered and he may have been wearing jean shorts.
But he got my number.
Chemistry might not find the love of your life, but it whittles down the number of vanilla puddings anyone ever has to eat.